376 avoiding the perception of emptiness

It's weird how some things, you hear so often that it makes so much sense and you stop questioning it, but when you hear the flip-side of it, you realize how much more sense the alternative makes. At least in the Christian world, I feel like we talk so much about finding our calling. We look at our experiences, our talents, our availability and try to figure out our "calling." Yet, when do we ever see that in the Bible? Every man whom God calls, God calls on His own timing, not when they were trying to "figure it out." Sure, we want to be attentive and listen, but American Christianity has made it feel like we have to find it out as soon as possible so we can live our best life now, as if we're missing out and not following God if we do not have a clear purpose. There's a peace in knowing that when God wants to call you, He will call you, even if it takes 2 or 3 times like with Samuel. After all, the whole of the Bible, the whole of life, is about God and not us.

394. stealing your mind

It's easy to joke about age especially when you're young. But the older you grow, or the more you hang around elder folks, you start thinking how truly scary it is. It could be a simple cold or a minor soreness that you shrug off, but when you imagine it in your old age, it escalates to new heights. It affects your physique, emotions, concentration, energy, mentality, way more than you'd imagine. I'm not surprised why many turn to drugs (pills) for quick fixes. When you're sick, you just don't want to deal with it. Discipline helps- discipline in health and fitness and relying on other means of nutrients and vitamins. But at some point, the depravity of life still dominates over you, physically at least, a testimony to sin and the destructive power it holds.

80. the morning sky is filled with stars

Lots of stuff happen throughout the day but when it comes to sitting down to write, nothing. Finished a book and made breakthroughs with an art project and created more prototype samples of a product and many more, but nothing too intriguing to elaborate on at this moment. This happens quite a lot and becomes the reason why I fail to write. But this blog is meant specifically for trivial meaningless thoughts or ideas so I am here giving it a try.

As I considered the young adult fantasy novel I just finished, continuing manga that I follow weekly, a rare American TV show that I like, I ponder about one question, "What makes a story worthwhile for me?" Usually, it's plot twist, uniqueness, like-able or interesting characters, deep and philosophical, clever and witty, coherent. Don't know if one overrides the others. Ideally, all of those work together, but if anything, I suppose unique and interesting characters are priority. They pretty much make the plot, whatever the circumstances are. Some of my favorites are from Gintama and Durarara, though there are much more.

It makes me realize how in my life, it's not so much as the circumstance as it is the person, in this case, me. I have the freedom, the choice, to choose how to act and respond. Sure, my past and experiences and circumstances will affect and in some ways limit me, but at the end of the day, I can choose to be proactive and change. I can drive my circumstances (with humility acknowledging that ultimately it's God who's in control but yet has given me trust and freedom to limited control). Take advantage of that.

316 i've forgotten how to pray

Sometimes, when we look at our excuses, they seem ridiculous. Even if they are legitimate, there are other options to override them. We either don't look hard enough or we value the alternative over the thing we make excuses about. I know I've neglected and limited myself to going to events or meeting with people because of my leased car. I don't want to go over miles and hence, I won't initiate events where I'd have to drive much or I won't attend events that I'm on the fringe about. It's silly and sad because there are many things that are worth attending and participating in that I'm often on the fringe on.

God knows this and knew a simple yet unconventional cure. I turned in my first lease with more than 1000 miles left to drive. This meant I could've driven more. Now, being less than 2 years in, I am on track to exceed my mileage by a tremendous deal. It's somewhat silly to count meticulously. I'll just pay the overcharge when it comes and move on. Of course, I'm still mindful, but I'm beginning to learn to value relationships and other things more than money, money that fortunately, I can afford. Long entry for a silly reflection.

521. yellow butterflies in the eyes

It's often the easy things that are hard. In this case, I refer to writing. Writing is not "hard." Especially with computers nowadays, you can punch keys on a keyboard and letters pop up almost instantaneously. Yet, writing is actually hard. Thoughts may flow through my mind like ants around an ice cream scoop left on the sidewalk, but when I try to gather and scoop them up, it melts through the crevices between my fingers. 

Earlier in the year, I have set a non-accountable goal to blog two or three times a week. Currently, I'm averaging 0.375 posts per week. It's more of a "too lazy" than a "too busy" issue. I'm foolish to think that writing is simple. It's time and energy and concentration and more time. Yet, it's probably a skill I need to hone. I'm always jealous at how people can be so articulate, often times, spontaneously so. Some train at it and some are natural and it'd do me no good to vent. My job, if I so desire, is to practice. Time to reorient my goals for the twenty ninth time this year.

61. they don't know where home is

It's so often that life makes no sense. Yet, it's not really that life makes no sense as it is that we make no sense of it. Lots of events seem random, unconnected, irrelevant, annoying, meaningless. Even our actions and priorities are out of whack. If we truly value "x", why do we spend so much of our time consumed with "y" and "z"? 

Focus. They say that saying "yes" to something means saying "no" to thousand something else. How do you focus when there's so many good things to focus on? It confounds me how it feels like I have lots to do but not enough that I'm doing.

101 sometimes I wonder...

Life then and life now feels like a completely separate world. It feels like my past happened to someone else, a distant stranger, a different universe altogether. Been reading a memoir lately (Educated) about an Indian girl growing up in Idaho who was raised Mormon, none of which I came close to experiencing. At times, it feels like my past feels as distant to me as even that. Partially it's because I don't remember most of it. Aside from environment and circumstance, partially, it's also because my mindset and perspective on life has changed drastically.

Yet, it's a gradual change. It's quite scary to be honest. You can be as self-conscious and reflective as you want, and you'll notice the change as they come by year after year, but when you look after at the grander length of time, 5-10 years maybe, you'll realize the sum of those changes you observe do not add up to the grand total.

(Been wanting to blog for myself again more and stumbled across this blog delightfully. Frees me from feeling like I have to end my entries somewhere or that I have to have complete and coherent thoughts.)