521. yellow butterflies in the eyes

It's often the easy things that are hard. In this case, I refer to writing. Writing is not "hard." Especially with computers nowadays, you can punch keys on a keyboard and letters pop up almost instantaneously. Yet, writing is actually hard. Thoughts may flow through my mind like ants around an ice cream scoop left on the sidewalk, but when I try to gather and scoop them up, it melts through the crevices between my fingers. 

Earlier in the year, I have set a non-accountable goal to blog two or three times a week. Currently, I'm averaging 0.375 posts per week. It's more of a "too lazy" than a "too busy" issue. I'm foolish to think that writing is simple. It's time and energy and concentration and more time. Yet, it's probably a skill I need to hone. I'm always jealous at how people can be so articulate, often times, spontaneously so. Some train at it and some are natural and it'd do me no good to vent. My job, if I so desire, is to practice. Time to reorient my goals for the twenty ninth time this year.

61. they don't know where home is

It's so often that life makes no sense. Yet, it's not really that life makes no sense as it is that we make no sense of it. Lots of events seem random, unconnected, irrelevant, annoying, meaningless. Even our actions and priorities are out of whack. If we truly value "x", why do we spend so much of our time consumed with "y" and "z"? 

Focus. They say that saying "yes" to something means saying "no" to thousand something else. How do you focus when there's so many good things to focus on? It confounds me how it feels like I have lots to do but not enough that I'm doing.

101 sometimes I wonder...

Life then and life now feels like a completely separate world. It feels like my past happened to someone else, a distant stranger, a different universe altogether. Been reading a memoir lately (Educated) about an Indian girl growing up in Idaho who was raised Mormon, none of which I came close to experiencing. At times, it feels like my past feels as distant to me as even that. Partially it's because I don't remember most of it. Aside from environment and circumstance, partially, it's also because my mindset and perspective on life has changed drastically.

Yet, it's a gradual change. It's quite scary to be honest. You can be as self-conscious and reflective as you want, and you'll notice the change as they come by year after year, but when you look after at the grander length of time, 5-10 years maybe, you'll realize the sum of those changes you observe do not add up to the grand total.

(Been wanting to blog for myself again more and stumbled across this blog delightfully. Frees me from feeling like I have to end my entries somewhere or that I have to have complete and coherent thoughts.)