145 lately i've been thinking about what to do

i need to warn you that this is one of those frequent entries that are jumbled thoughts and unorganized. therefore, do not try too hard in deciphering because it's too random.

i find it weird how i often miss people whom i never truly known, events that never happened, things that never existed, places i've never visited. everyday i worry about the busy-ness of time, not wishing to get caught up with simply doing or simply reflecting. life is a crazy thing. the more you think, the more crazy you get, yet the more at peace you are. it's funny how many paradoxes i begin to see. perhaps it's simply an excuse. i wish it to be not.

843 wednesday went by so fast, as with all other days

i took one look at the place and thought it was eh... not bad, but not what i expected. i looked out the window and found the train tracks fitted into the cool dim rainy environment and felt nostalgic. perhaps not nostalgic since i don't recall such scenes in my past, but it was that same type of feeling. maybe this place isn't so bad.

122 i finally obtained the key to salvation; yet, it wasn't as pretty as it seemed

The lost think they're found; the found realize how lost they are. and that's often the paradox of seeking and pursuing after God- it's that He was the one who pursued you first. and it's crazy because the more you know God, they more you realize how much you do not know Him.

(by the way, the headline or title for this entry does not relate to Christianity. please do not misunderstand)

735 it has never rained so much in this city for a long time

today i woke 2 hours later than i wanted to. perhaps it was because of the dream(s) i have had. they were pretty nightmarish for the most part. there are several parts of it such as me living alone on the 13th floor of an old run-down building that was pitch black and suddenly, this little humanish creature taps me on the shoulder behind me and i was mad chilled about it, but the dark still freaked me out and i tried running down the stairs but they were blocked so i jumped down and ran and ran. anyways...

the part that interested me most in my dreams was the part of casting out demons. a huge assembly of people were sitting and eating and apparently, one by one, someone gets possessed by the devil. to my surprised, it wasn't really scary. a couple of people just chased after them and in the name of Jesus, casted them out. however, there was once where no one else was around, and i was there with a possessed being. i was confident in casting the demon out in Jesus name and i spoke aloud for the demon to flee in the name of Jesus. but it didn't work. i got scared. yet, i wasn't scared of the demon at all. i didn't know why the demon did not leave. i got scared because maybe God was never with me. maybe my Christian life is a lie and I haven't really accepted Jesus in my life. it stunned my every being and i felt hopeless and shamed. later on, i realized that i needed to say more to the demon, speaking on and on about how Jesus conquers all and that the devil is already defeated. it felt like trash-talking to me. i don't believe this is how you cast demons out in the real world. i believe the simple mention of Jesus' name will be enough, commanding them once and causing them to shudder and flee.

978 i've clearly slacked

I don't feel like typing much, as with the past few days. That's the reason for my lack of entries. I'm just going to use this entry to give an unsatisfactory plug for this really sick book I'm reading. It's called SAILING BETWEEN THE STARS by Steven James. It is really really good and i would highly recommend it. It talks about the mysteries of faith and the richness of paradoxes. Agathokakological is the word.

356 this would've potentially be a nice entry but i've not got the time and energy to edit

two nights ago came a terrible storm that hit nyc. at the moment of the craziness, i simply sat in the comforts of cooper union room 104. i didn't realize magnitude until after it was over, after i came back home to queens. while i was indoors going through my normal routine, two feet diameter trees fell, (sn average of one tree per block), cars were knocked and jammed, slabs of grass and even sidewalks were ripped up, rooftops blown away, cables being torn, and much more.

the first thought from this was the thought of the chaos and poverty around the world. it reminded me of those who experience natural disasters all the time- hurricanes, earthquakes, droughts and floods. it happens everywhere, plenty of times. yet, we are so ignorant. it seems as if nothing is happening. we go through our daily routine and do not see magnitude and seriousness of the world around us. we simply live in the comforts of our home, as if what's around us is all fantasy or at least in another world.

955 choose to rejoice and praise my Lord

so a while back, even now, there are several things i do not understand why they happened. sometimes it feels like i'm disconnected with God because i do not know why things are happening to me. the rational is that if I'm close to God, He will grant me wisdom to know why things are the way they are, why these certain circumstances arises, etc. however, the wisdom of God is often not the explanation of the unknown and why certain things occur; it is the knowledge of what to do and how to proceed.

it got me to start thinking about how there are so many lies and ideas on the earth that often it's hard to distinguish what is truly real. nonetheless, the wisdom was helpful.

844 finding some worth in that new shiny thing

this was a day prior but it was one of those dreams. it felt more intense than previous though because the setting and everything was much more realistic. i don't recall much from it at all, but there was one thing i felt, or did not feel. sometimes i don't know if it's something mental or emotional but in that dream, i did not feel a bit of God's presence on this earth. for some reason, i was dead sure He did not exist. every part of me told me so. and that was crazy. once it dawned on me more and that there was nothing i can do about it, i was terrified. every bit of me was crying out for this to not be true.

perhaps this is what many people feel. and they've sooner or later grown used to it, adapted to it. they won't grow fully used to it but enough to not break down every so often. pride was their solution. warped minds and hardened hearts. perhaps this is the solution when one realizes there is no God. it's irrational though. one cannot be sure that there is no God. yet, one can experience the living God, similar to how one acknowledges that he has a family and friends and relationships. our God is very alive and real. it's a totally different story.