Lots have certainly happened since my last post. To summarize, research has been hectic, especially over Spring Break and even the past weekend. I found myself dreading and worrying about the need to get things done or figure out how to solve the problems of why the experiment is not working and how to go about it. along with that, I actually feel lost in my classes while I feel as if all the other students know their stuff, mainly because most of them had a strong mse background. With the departure of friends going off to vacation and the absence of people on campus, spring break was just tough not just physically and mentally from all the research stuff, but emotionally as well.
But perhaps this is where I exactly need to be. I realized so much about myself throughout this time- my thoughts, my impatience, my selfishness, my pride, my insecurities, my weak-willed spirit. For example, I would tell people how I spend all day in lab and things don't work well and it's tough and dreary and challenging. And all this is not "wrong" or "bad" per say, but I realize how much pride was associated with simply letting people know. It's as if i'm saying to them, "look at me, look how hard i work, see that i'm doing important things, facing great challenges," half expected praise and half expecting pity.
But it is here and then where I realized the depravity of humankind, my weakness in the flesh. It is here and then, in the little things, in the subtlety of the events I participate in, where I realize my need for Jesus every day, every moment of it. I think it is only through opening our eyes to the hidden sins in our lives where we really begin to yearn for Jesus.
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