Confusion. when polar opposites make sense at the same time. when no clear signs are shown, leaving you into a state of ambivalence in choice-making. when the beliefs you hold dear starts to tear apart. when gravity doesn't pull you down. when right and wrong takes no preference anymore. when your mind is so jumbled up, nothing makes sense. -Oct. 29, 08
"Every Christian knows they will deal with doubt. And they will. But when it comes it seems so very real and frightening, as if your entire universe is going to fall apart." - Donald Miller (BLJ)
I guess it started around 2 weeks ago, when life didn't make sense anymore. I didn't know how to live life. I see and hear stories of those who love God and the amazing ways God uses them. I look at my life and all I see is an empty clam shell. Life instead, was full of disappointments, the main factor being school.
This year is to no overstatement- tough. Feels like insane workload and hard tests where I honestly received 1 good grade out of the 8 tests I took so far. Believe me when I say I did bad on the others- all 7 were below an 80. Obviously tests weren't the only thing involved- papers, readings, labs, presentations, understanding material, studying, time, and all that. It's not like i don't study for tests; the fact remains that i still did bad. School felt hopeless. There were more tests and papers and presentations and labs coming up as well, quite the insanity.
Yet, in the midst of this, I knew God wanted me here, here at Cooper, going through this exact circumstance. He wanted me here and He had the greatest purpose on mind. He wanted me here to change me and mold me, to break me down, and remind me that school is important, but not the most important. Perhaps even if I do fail in academics (which I definitely won't cause I'm way too smart, but I felt that way), that I'm not in a failure in life, that school does not define who I am, that doing bad on tests does not mean I'm stupid or an invaluable person. That is just part of what He's telling me. There are better, more important, more fulfilling things in life. That is obviously not to say that I don't care about school, but it's that I need to study and work hard (while following where God leads me), and everything will work out. Whatever the results, that's that. What really matters is whether or not I believed in God- believe that He will carry me through and that the plan He has for me...is the best plan ever. -updated Nov. 15, 08
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The Role of the Engineer
It's been a while since I've pondered about my passions, about my career. I suppose it's more of because it's been a while since I've talked to an artist.
I recall the latter days of high school year when I were choosing colleges. It took little effort from the mind to choose engineering or science schools since I tend to do well in science and math, coming from the number one science and math high school in the city of New York. Yet, there became more heart-crying moments where I wanted to attend an art school, to seek after art, something I've tossed out of my mind in the midst of getting good grades in high school.
I've always loved designing. I can't say I'm pro at it, but I love it. I love advertising, font designing, logos, designing an object, a room, a t-shirt, a poster, perhaps even buildings, though the architects would complain. There were brief moments where I pondered whether I'll be a freelancer artist someday since I love to travel and explore new places; grab a journal and a buddy or two and walk through the seven seas.
I was reminded of all of this today, when I talked to an artist. There wasn't really a passion to become an engineer. I figured it was natural and easy, easy in the sense of deciding on what to do, rather than be clueless and not knowing what to major in until senior year of college. Yet, I don't regret it. I remember why I chose to be an engineer over an artist. Recalling all of this gave me more motivation to do well in school. I have a bigger goal in life. I believe it is what God desires, though this belief has become a bit shaky recently. Nonetheless, it will be chased after.
(The last sentence was an Engineer lab-report-related pun, though I do not expect people to catch it. Explaining it, like what i'm doing right now, will kill the wittiness but I felt it necessary to do so, in case people, or even I myself, wonder at the unaesthetic structure of the sentence.)
I recall the latter days of high school year when I were choosing colleges. It took little effort from the mind to choose engineering or science schools since I tend to do well in science and math, coming from the number one science and math high school in the city of New York. Yet, there became more heart-crying moments where I wanted to attend an art school, to seek after art, something I've tossed out of my mind in the midst of getting good grades in high school.
I've always loved designing. I can't say I'm pro at it, but I love it. I love advertising, font designing, logos, designing an object, a room, a t-shirt, a poster, perhaps even buildings, though the architects would complain. There were brief moments where I pondered whether I'll be a freelancer artist someday since I love to travel and explore new places; grab a journal and a buddy or two and walk through the seven seas.
I was reminded of all of this today, when I talked to an artist. There wasn't really a passion to become an engineer. I figured it was natural and easy, easy in the sense of deciding on what to do, rather than be clueless and not knowing what to major in until senior year of college. Yet, I don't regret it. I remember why I chose to be an engineer over an artist. Recalling all of this gave me more motivation to do well in school. I have a bigger goal in life. I believe it is what God desires, though this belief has become a bit shaky recently. Nonetheless, it will be chased after.
(The last sentence was an Engineer lab-report-related pun, though I do not expect people to catch it. Explaining it, like what i'm doing right now, will kill the wittiness but I felt it necessary to do so, in case people, or even I myself, wonder at the unaesthetic structure of the sentence.)
Monday, June 2, 2008
There's no way for my first blog to not be about God.
Whether playing handball is evil or not, I do not have the answer.
I woke up a lot later than I planned to- 10 am. I comforted myself with the excuse that I hadn't reposed enough the past weekend because of the agape retreat. I went along with my day's schedule missing out on devotions due to the late awakening. I proceeded to have my third driving lesson and came back home to read online articles concerning the impoverish states of those in other countries. It's absolutely necessary to always be reminded of those who are physically suffering (I believe the term "less fortunate" is incorrect).
I pride myself in walking for a whole hour from Flushing to Bayside. I stopped by Peck Park and started reading the book of Ephesians. It was what the retreat was focused on and I realized that I never read the full book yet. Plans with Ramon was ditched and so I hung with Linda at the library and then St. Francis Prep's handball courts. Holman joined us a bit later and played for quite some time. I bussed back to Flushing and did random online stuff (facebook, aim, e-mails, the likes).
All the meantime, as I was walking to Bayside, as I was reading the Bible, as I was playing handball, I wonder to myself- have I glorified God today? Have I gotten closer to Him? I had fun hanging out with church friends. Perhaps that's part of unity. But did I really glorify God to the fullest of my ability? I didn't really think today was a waste. It was rather fun and I got closer with friends. I thought stuff out. I resolved some problems in my mind. I never want to forget God's purpose in life for me. I hope to fulfill it each and every day. Perhaps I may not see how at times, but I need to rethink and make sure that what I'm doing is what God desires for me to do.
I woke up a lot later than I planned to- 10 am. I comforted myself with the excuse that I hadn't reposed enough the past weekend because of the agape retreat. I went along with my day's schedule missing out on devotions due to the late awakening. I proceeded to have my third driving lesson and came back home to read online articles concerning the impoverish states of those in other countries. It's absolutely necessary to always be reminded of those who are physically suffering (I believe the term "less fortunate" is incorrect).
I pride myself in walking for a whole hour from Flushing to Bayside. I stopped by Peck Park and started reading the book of Ephesians. It was what the retreat was focused on and I realized that I never read the full book yet. Plans with Ramon was ditched and so I hung with Linda at the library and then St. Francis Prep's handball courts. Holman joined us a bit later and played for quite some time. I bussed back to Flushing and did random online stuff (facebook, aim, e-mails, the likes).
All the meantime, as I was walking to Bayside, as I was reading the Bible, as I was playing handball, I wonder to myself- have I glorified God today? Have I gotten closer to Him? I had fun hanging out with church friends. Perhaps that's part of unity. But did I really glorify God to the fullest of my ability? I didn't really think today was a waste. It was rather fun and I got closer with friends. I thought stuff out. I resolved some problems in my mind. I never want to forget God's purpose in life for me. I hope to fulfill it each and every day. Perhaps I may not see how at times, but I need to rethink and make sure that what I'm doing is what God desires for me to do.
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