seek first His kingdom and His righteousness...what really matters

Confusion. when polar opposites make sense at the same time. when no clear signs are shown, leaving you into a state of ambivalence in choice-making. when the beliefs you hold dear starts to tear apart. when gravity doesn't pull you down. when right and wrong takes no preference anymore. when your mind is so jumbled up, nothing makes sense. -Oct. 29, 08

"Every Christian knows they will deal with doubt. And they will. But when it comes it seems so very real and frightening, as if your entire universe is going to fall apart." - Donald Miller (BLJ)
I guess it started around 2 weeks ago, when life didn't make sense anymore. I didn't know how to live life. I see and hear stories of those who love God and the amazing ways God uses them. I look at my life and all I see is an empty clam shell. Life instead, was full of disappointments, the main factor being school.

This year is to no overstatement- tough. Feels like insane workload and hard tests where I honestly received 1 good grade out of the 8 tests I took so far. Believe me when I say I did bad on the others- all 7 were below an 80. Obviously tests weren't the only thing involved- papers, readings, labs, presentations, understanding material, studying, time, and all that. It's not like i don't study for tests; the fact remains that i still did bad. School felt hopeless. There were more tests and papers and presentations and labs coming up as well, quite the insanity.

Yet, in the midst of this, I knew God wanted me here, here at Cooper, going through this exact circumstance. He wanted me here and He had the greatest purpose on mind. He wanted me here to change me and mold me, to break me down, and remind me that school is important, but not the most important. Perhaps even if I do fail in academics (which I definitely won't cause I'm way too smart, but I felt that way), that I'm not in a failure in life, that school does not define who I am, that doing bad on tests does not mean I'm stupid or an invaluable person. That is just part of what He's telling me. There are better, more important, more fulfilling things in life. That is obviously not to say that I don't care about school, but it's that I need to study and work hard (while following where God leads me), and everything will work out. Whatever the results, that's that. What really matters is whether or not I believed in God- believe that He will carry me through and that the plan He has for me...is the best plan ever. -updated Nov. 15, 08