119 august needs to have eight entries

cape cod was quite awesome. enjoyed it much more than i thought i would. got to know the vball guys, and the girls much better. had mad fun playing vball and chilling. lots of scrabble playing and movie watching. fun food eating and cooking and shopping times. kind of wish i can stay longer but there's mad junk to take care of. apartment stuff, iv stuff, getting back to school stuff, no idea. it'll be interesting.

805 there was only one catch, and that was...

heading up to cape cod real soon. probably going to drive part of it. quite excited to drive but i always tend to fall asleep on long trips. 4.5 hours is quite long i suppose. we'll see.

anyways, will be playing lots of vball with cooper people there so that's pretty fun i suppose. other than that, hopefully i'll be able to enjoy the nice scenery and experience a different environment for devotionals and share my life with my friends there. wish for my attitude, actions, and speech to exhibit who Jesus is.

312 king of hearts, you're the queen of spades, probably 2 jacks

i just realized a simple truth about life that many others have already. it answers my confusion of yesterday's post. the grass is greener on the other side. i've always tailed towards one side for so long and never truly had the true experience of the other.

there's the side of productivity and always wanted to do something, wanting to learn, wanting to seize and move forward, full of purpose, full of excitement. the common negativity is that one often becomes stressed, overburdened by taking on too much, burnt out, depressed from frequent failures, understanding one's own lack of capability. the other side is the chilled, relax, let's play some games and have fun and simply enjoy each other's presence. it requires no planning, not much effort and much freedom. everyone secures each other with love and feels comfortable being around each other saying whatever, doing whatever and not risk being rejected. the common negativity is that it often lacks purpose, it often seems to create a standstill and breeds selfishness. it does not tackle the issues of the world, it does not feed the poor, and it does not change the world. and sooner or later, that security of love breaks down. one can assume which side i most identify with.

how this fits into God's plan for humanity and living life to the fullest? i believe it's the first side for 6 days and the latter side for the 7th day. i believe the latter side does get mixed into those 6 days, but not to a high degree. or maybe i'm simply justifying my lack of capability to spend each day just chilling and having fun.

210 touch screen desktops being patented by apple

it's amazing how normal life feels these past few days. i don't even know how i would explain what i mean. it feels normal yet it's different from my typical day. it's very carefree and relaxed but that's what most of my days are too. it's focused on fun and less on unnecessary worries but it's not like i don't have fun normally. it's not even that i've felt closer to God, which is worry-some for me since that might mean i'm enjoying life simply because it might be that i'm being deceived and too careless. perhaps it's understanding that i'm so blessed with so many awesome people in life and feeling loved, and enjoying time spent with them. but i never care for simply spending good moments with them. i solely wish to grow spiritually with each other. i suppose showing each other love and enjoying time together is part of that, but i feel like there's so much more, though at the same time, i believe i'm complicating things.

what i wanted to say is that this world is amazingly huge and i don't understand everything and i try and i fail and feel bad about it since i can't. to realize that i simply have 0.0000000000001% of the knowledge in the world is quite unresting for me. and even that number is a huge overestimation.

352 it still wasn't that terrible of a story i guess

i did not mean to write an entry but i need to fulfill my 8 entry quota for the month so i should write something now.

it's a confusing thing- what it means to empty ourselves or be right with God. talks of the grace of God and how it's entirely initiated by Him and only can be this way is humbly, and reassuring. when we accomplish his mission, it is because He has used us and given us the power to do so. these are situations that are dead impossible. but it's a confusing thing- when you do not experience this kind of power, this experience of being used. it's not something you can will yourself or train yourself to experience, but it is by God's grace. you may open your heart up and all, but there are no guarantees He will use you; or maybe there are- maybe His promises.

517 it's not simply about kindness one lives for, please don't misunderstand

christian music is powerful. it's even more apparent to me- my lack of growth. been deceived for quite some time. i read and learn more and perhaps understand theology more, but that does not substitute for a personal relationship with God, one where i can feel His presence and know that He is interacting in this world. theology helps, but it only goes so far. what i desire is the know God as Daniel from the Bible know God. it's so hard seeing the realness of the relationship people of the Bible have with God. it's almost as if they lived in a totally different dimension. but i believe that God is alive and interactive in this world. the Word would simply be ink on paper and nothing more if He wasn't so. but the Word became flesh.

448 it's easy to confused being idealistic from optimistic in midst of reality; i've always thought i was the latter but i'm not too sure anymore

envy. i've noticed perhaps that one of my biggest, most current, sin would envy. most times, it's hard to trust God with my life, my career, my relationships, all that. i envy at others with a guided career, others who are well off financially (which is ironic since i get full scholarship, yet i still take out loans so i'll be in debt), others who have jobs or at least interns (really really wanted one though i suppose it wasn't God's plan for me this summer or He wanted to test me or i'm just not liked by the world), others who have good relations with family (though i do not necessarily personally desire it to a strong desire, i truly believe that this is what God intends for every family so therefore, i try my best to desire it), others who have better basketball skills, others who study harder than i do, others who easily gets their way such as looking for apartments, others who just have anything better or more than i do.

i never thought i'd be so envious but at least i realize it more. i'll just need to get better and beat everyone else at basketball and making money and taking their jobs. i joke. all about trust... and working hard... but moreso trust.

93 i just keep on forgetting what i want to write

quick warning that this is a post that is a jumble of thoughts and may not make sense. i wrote as i thought, not caring for grammar corrections or structuring formats.

i don't believe i've concretely realize when i'm in the midst of a series of terrible events- from the major effects of highly allergic reactions to dust yet tons of moving and tiredness not being able to get good sleep and also the ankle sprain that just doesn't seem to heal though it's a blessing it doesn't hurt much, to lots of frustrations and stressful thoughts, to simple things like trains not coming right away and delays, waiting on the wrong line at grocery stores, and losing my favorite pair of flip flops that i am no able to get anywhere.

this post is not a post of a rant. what i realize is that sometimes, the more i seek to find God, the more i know Him, the less I do know Him. it is paradoxical and falls nothing short of it. the more i know Him, the "worse" life gets. it's as if He's asking me whether it's still worth it to seek. to say that my previous list (that excluded many more negativity) are hardships that challenges my determination to follow Him may perhaps be demeaning to His call. yet, these are the very hardships that has challenged me to stay calm and at peace and prayerful, despite the apparent insignificance of them.