quick warning that this is a post that is a jumble of thoughts and may not make sense. i wrote as i thought, not caring for grammar corrections or structuring formats.
i don't believe i've concretely realize when i'm in the midst of a series of terrible events- from the major effects of highly allergic reactions to dust yet tons of moving and tiredness not being able to get good sleep and also the ankle sprain that just doesn't seem to heal though it's a blessing it doesn't hurt much, to lots of frustrations and stressful thoughts, to simple things like trains not coming right away and delays, waiting on the wrong line at grocery stores, and losing my favorite pair of flip flops that i am no able to get anywhere.
this post is not a post of a rant. what i realize is that sometimes, the more i seek to find God, the more i know Him, the less I do know Him. it is paradoxical and falls nothing short of it. the more i know Him, the "worse" life gets. it's as if He's asking me whether it's still worth it to seek. to say that my previous list (that excluded many more negativity) are hardships that challenges my determination to follow Him may perhaps be demeaning to His call. yet, these are the very hardships that has challenged me to stay calm and at peace and prayerful, despite the apparent insignificance of them.
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