bb. day 461 what's wright or rong

Maybe good can exist without evil. Just like being satisfied but still wanting more. Yet, mercy requires injustice. Forgiveness requires a fault. I'll leave that thought as it is.

Updates on life (not in any order really):

1. Will be graduating in May 2013.

2. No need to take anymore classes but still doing research next semester. Hope to get two papers out though I really don't know- one collab, one my own. Hence, research a bit more hectic.

3. Still looking for jobs, hopefully near AA, but possibly near NY or anywhere in the US.

4. In NYC from 12/21 to 1/3. No Urbana for me.

5. Didn't get into any GSI positions so hopefully professor funds me. 

aa. day 315 if i had a couple million dollars

just got back from ny. my thoughts on it, it was a good thought. my real thoughts on it, it shall be publicly hidden for the time being.

many ppl have asked me how my research is. i always tell them it's alright, somewhat frustrating but not too bad. in reality, it kind of sucks. any progress i make is minuscule and takes too long/detail of an explanation. Setbacks and things that just don't work well is what i constantly face, the negativity far outweighs the positivism. part of me has secretly given up. i realize i spend so much of the day not doing actual research, mainly because i'm at a loss on how to proceed or the samples are not ready to be used or things i'm not able to obtain without the assistance of another individual. and it naturally feeds into laziness and lack of motivation. it feels as if other ppl's projects in the lab are more tangible and makes more sense and easier to get decent results. 

i wonder sometimes if this is how ppl view life, in this way, where failure is all they see. the plethora of negativity far outweighing any slivers of good. but even worse so, all around them, people are either doing really well or at least better than how they're doing. it must be a sad way of life.

this was an entry that should have belonged in my actual journal but as i reflected on why this blog was called fragments of imperfections, i realize how little i talk about my complaints and frustrations, which readily ties into my weakness.

z. day 282 double it up

The grass withers, the flower fades
    when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
    surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers, the flower fades,
    but the word of our God will stand forever.

Isaiah 40:7-8:


If our lives were merely a vapor in the wind, how is it so often we trust our own thoughts, our own experiences, even people around us more so than the Word of our God which stands through the ages of time? Even if I may not initially agree with a command or see the point of it, does it make sense to not follow it?

Been reminded to not waste my precious merciful time here at umich, a life undeserved, a life bought by the blood of Jesus. Striving hard to learn surrender and openness and dependence.

Usual weekly schedule events:
---research, PUBS meeting/projects, life group named Cross-fit, AIV summer sg, sometimes prayer meetings, volleyball, reading (what a great joy), art and design (font project), sermon listening, jdramas, manga, guitaring, hangouts. 

y. day 267 what to do once i reach z

It feels like I've been reading all the right parts of the right books at the right time. I always read 4 or 5 books at once and even though the topics are different, they sync together pretty well sometimes. At times, they connet with the sermons I hear or stuff I go through daily. Anyways, one thing I've come across recently was the idea of how fruit comes in seasons, not all the time. It talks about it in Psalm 1, about cultivating your heart and meditating day and night so that in season, you will produce fruit. We can't rely on intense spiritual experiences all the time to feel connected to God. There are times when they come, but our job is to be faithful and continue to obey and read His Word even if it may be dry at times.

Quick Updates:

--research has been somewhat better as i'm taking more control of the stuff i'm doing. also learning how to make use of any down time i have in research to do something productive or worthwhile

--life group with harvest for spring/summer term is joined with grad students, single adults, and married couples. it's quite exciting as i hear perspectives coming from parents who have kids and hearing older men share their wisdom and experiences. still in process of getting to know them.

--going through the book of Daniel for aiv sg. it's been good and i always look forward to seeing aiv ppl.

--got a 30 day rec pass to play vball at the ccrb. ppl who go now on fri and sat nights are the older grad students/working ppl so games are more fun. still trying my best to not focus too much on myself but try to help others improve. 

--started messing around with illustrator and love it greatly. really fun stuff.

x. day 243 hope i counted my days correctly

Such incoherent transitions:
     - from a week of finals, projects, and hecticness at umich
     - to a week of relationships, leadership, vision at cfw upstate mich
     - to a week of catching up, time with family and old friends, disconnection from michigan life, emotional and perhaps spiritual drainage back at nyc
     - and now to weeks of more intensive research, reestablishment of consistent quiet times, more intentional relationships and more serious study of the faith here in michigan.

To be honest, that's the extent to all I can write right now. I need rest.

w. 233 the pain of silence

finals week. taking only 3 class but somehow seems like the most hectic week. most other ppl were down with everything last week or have only a paper or one easy exam this week... I've still got 2 projects and 2 finals left. meanwhile, surprisingly many random negative little things popping out such as leaving my wallet at gym and locked out of my apartment til 2:15 am, light bulb died after less than a week of use, jammed finger, etc. I say all this not as a means to complain. I'm certainly learning what it means to not complain but to rejoice in all situations. Nonetheless, it is certainly quite challenging. Sometimes I wonder why can't God make things easier by being more strongly present. I wonder who much more I can be efficient and focused on doing His will than taking time to sit back and reflect and think about Him. but i suppose that is the more important thing- to seek Him rather than seek to do His work.

4/28-5/4 Chapter Focus Week (Basileia equivalent) with AIV
5/5-5/12 New York City
Late evening 5/12 Ann Arbor for rest of Summer

v. day 225 one day skipped cause of easter

Human depravity- it's a sad thing. I realized the more I've gotten to know people now, the more I value and seek to deepen my relationship with them. As C.S. Lewis puts it, it's not that our love for people to is so great, it's that our love for God is too small. Our love for people is too big in comparison to our love for God, but that just points to how small our love for God really is. I've noticed I stopped yearning to seek after His face, His beauty, His glory. I'm mindful of it, but I don't truly seek after it, partially consumed with the busy-ness of every day. But what is life if God not be the center of it all?

The many updates much shortened:
--research has picked up a bit and school is general is approaching finals and final projects. been a very hectic week and still more to come.
--lost in second round of playoffs for AIV co-ed volleyball but absolutely loved seeing people on our team get so much better at vball.
--went back home to ny for easter sunday cause sister got baptized! got to know about her faith a bit more and caught up with several people including my brother and parents.
--past saturday was baptism at hmcc and absolutely blown away by the 13 testimonies (i missed my flight to ny partially because of this. hehe.)
--last night was grad night at hmcc (and senior send off at aiv which i missed) with 37 graduating seniors and grad student as well as a few performances by other undergrads. also absolutely blown away by those 37 testimonies (i only stayed for prob 25 maybe) pointing to our human depravity and the greatness and goodness and grace of God.

Random dreams:
--I was Harry Potter.
--It's Thursday morning and Max told me he has a wedding on Saturday and that the rehearsal was tonight. He calls me later on the night and told me he got drunk so rehearsal was Friday night instead.

u. day 195 pi day

Lots have certainly happened since my last post. To summarize, research has been hectic, especially over Spring Break and even the past weekend. I found myself dreading and worrying about the need to get things done or figure out how to solve the problems of why the experiment is not working and how to go about it. along with that, I actually feel lost in my classes while I feel as if all the other students know their stuff, mainly because most of them had a strong mse background. With the departure of friends going off to vacation and the absence of people on campus, spring break was just tough not just physically and mentally from all the research stuff, but emotionally as well.

But perhaps this is where I exactly need to be. I realized so much about myself throughout this time- my thoughts, my impatience, my selfishness, my pride, my insecurities, my weak-willed spirit. For example, I would tell people how I spend all day in lab and things don't work well and it's tough and dreary and challenging. And all this is not "wrong" or "bad" per say, but I realize how much pride was associated with simply letting people know. It's as if i'm saying to them, "look at me, look how hard i work, see that i'm doing important things, facing great challenges," half expected praise and half expecting pity.

But it is here and then where I realized the depravity of humankind, my weakness in the flesh. It is here and then, in the little things, in the subtlety of the events I participate in, where I realize my need for Jesus every day, every moment of it. I think it is only through opening our eyes to the hidden sins in our lives where we really begin to yearn for Jesus.

t. day 174 sacrifice

It's day One of the Lenten season. I was really challenged to look into what the word "sacrifice" means, what it looks like to lay down my life for others. (http://blog.worldvisionacts.org/2012/02/sacrifice/) As Jonathan Walton describes, here in this season, we're giving up one or two or several things but there's so much more to that. Jesus didn't just give us one aspect of himself. He gave up EVERYTHING for us, his glory, his status, his comfort, giving us FULL joy, peace, love. It cost him dearly but the beauty and purpose in all this was worth it. Likewise, we ought to give all of ourselves to Him.

As I explore more in depth of what sacrifice means and look like, a full sacrifice, here are some things i'm giving up/picking up for these 40+ days:
1. chocolate and candy (my default every lent season cause though it's not horrifically challenging, it still serves as a reminder for me of this lent season and what it's about)
2. buying things aside from food, and presents for friends (i realize how much money i spend on myself and how often i buy stuff whether it be electronics or books or random things.
3. following through World Vision acts' challenges and exploring the meaning of sacrifice with them!
4. fasting from one meal a week (with aiv small group)

I might add on more as I usually do as the days go by. It might look as if it were an exhaustive list of do's and dont's but i really believe each serves its own purpose and that i'll grow much from it. At that end of the day, it's all about the desire to meet God and surrender/humble ourselves so that I may hear from Him better.

s. day 155 the image of God

It might be a crime not to share. It's incredible what God's been doing in the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters at AIV. I had an immensely blessed opportunity to plan and lead with the new students (mainly freshmen) for large group tonight with the theme of "Upping the Ante," basically, challenging our personal relationships with God to a new level.

I can't begin to describe the excellence in the openness and talents of the freshmen class. To be short, I was extremely blessed by the testimonies shared and the creativity elements of games, tshirts and video, as well as the community of people to participate.

my heart is at a wreck for I absolutely love these people but I'm wrestling with how I can serve them and guide them in their walks with Christ as I'm growing myself. I don't believe my ministry is in aiv but i certainly desire to see them prosper. i tell myself to see how things play out and let it be. yet, i don't know if that's the wisest of decisions.

Updates on life:
-tuteja research group has been going slow, which I guess is okay. not doing much in lab cause the person i work under isn't too organized with what he wants me to do.
-imago dei conference was great. certainly blessed to hear short testimonies and identify with the asian culture as well as getting to know people in aiv better.
-got to admit that school's a bit tougher, maybe cause i don't have the motivation to study as well. picking it back up slightly recently.

r. day 140 though it's less than He deserves

One Desire Fast- a week-long fast from 6 am - 6 pm for the purpose of seeking after God and His direction for our church, an outward expression of our hunger for God. If only we hungered for spiritual food more than physical food...

It's insane how good God has been/is to me. Especially with this fast, i've been blessed so greatly. the hunger pains isn't as bad as I imagined, but that's only a minor aspect of it. i really gained a sense of what hungering for God looks like and every time I feel hungry, I'm reminded of praying earnestly and living my life for God. The focus, the energy, the passion, the faith, is something that comes all from Him and not from me. I found myself praying, a lot, and not dry prayers, but prayers of desperateness and of delight. To be caught up in Him, to truly be thankful of Him, to see the depths of my sins no matter how trivial they may seem at first, not only humbles me but increases my desire to love Him and to bless those around me with His love. certain sins, it feels so much easier to run away and overcome as I'm immersed in my relationship with Him. Though certainly still a tremendously great struggle, makes me more dependent on Him.

Updates:
--got accepted in Tuteja's research group! (the professor I talked to last Wednes)
--One Desire Fast has been great as mentioned
--started on my journey to read the Bible in one year (hope i'll make it through)
--won our first IM basketball game this past Sunday
--volunteered at a middle school in Detroit on MLK Day with life group and it was a huge blast

q. day 130 inciting incidents that are much needed

just to clarify, the day number is counted based on the days i'm here in ann arbor, even if it's for a few hours, but this does not include the days i'm in ny for break or whatnot.

I thought going back to NY for winter break was where I'll be hit with spiritual attacks and surely, there were a few. What my short-sightedness failed to realize was that the terror started back when I came back to Ann Arbor, the place where I thought was safe. I won't go into details but there were huge unrest with my heart as to my future and my relationships with people, started worrying a lot more, fearing of discomfort and what God will challenge me to do especially in the area of telling others about Christ, strong sense of laziness and even lack of purpose, feeling as if I have all the time in the world and not making the best out of each day, temptations of earthly desires and of materialism as if buying more stuff will make me feel like a new person, a better person.

Upcoming Events:
--talk with professor on Wednes about hopefully joining his research group
--aiv men's retreat friday to sat
--hmcc congregational revival fri and sat (but i'm only going Sat cause of retreat)
--hmcc ministry meeting on 1/22 (need to attend before I can serve on a ministry team)
--hmcc one desire fast (so afraid I won't make it)
--iv Imago Dei conference (not sure if I'm going yet. most likely I will)
--aiv IntraMurals basketball 5 on 5 starting very soon
--