376 avoiding the perception of emptiness

It's weird how some things, you hear so often that it makes so much sense and you stop questioning it, but when you hear the flip-side of it, you realize how much more sense the alternative makes. At least in the Christian world, I feel like we talk so much about finding our calling. We look at our experiences, our talents, our availability and try to figure out our "calling." Yet, when do we ever see that in the Bible? Every man whom God calls, God calls on His own timing, not when they were trying to "figure it out." Sure, we want to be attentive and listen, but American Christianity has made it feel like we have to find it out as soon as possible so we can live our best life now, as if we're missing out and not following God if we do not have a clear purpose. There's a peace in knowing that when God wants to call you, He will call you, even if it takes 2 or 3 times like with Samuel. After all, the whole of the Bible, the whole of life, is about God and not us.

394. stealing your mind

It's easy to joke about age especially when you're young. But the older you grow, or the more you hang around elder folks, you start thinking how truly scary it is. It could be a simple cold or a minor soreness that you shrug off, but when you imagine it in your old age, it escalates to new heights. It affects your physique, emotions, concentration, energy, mentality, way more than you'd imagine. I'm not surprised why many turn to drugs (pills) for quick fixes. When you're sick, you just don't want to deal with it. Discipline helps- discipline in health and fitness and relying on other means of nutrients and vitamins. But at some point, the depravity of life still dominates over you, physically at least, a testimony to sin and the destructive power it holds.

80. the morning sky is filled with stars

Lots of stuff happen throughout the day but when it comes to sitting down to write, nothing. Finished a book and made breakthroughs with an art project and created more prototype samples of a product and many more, but nothing too intriguing to elaborate on at this moment. This happens quite a lot and becomes the reason why I fail to write. But this blog is meant specifically for trivial meaningless thoughts or ideas so I am here giving it a try.

As I considered the young adult fantasy novel I just finished, continuing manga that I follow weekly, a rare American TV show that I like, I ponder about one question, "What makes a story worthwhile for me?" Usually, it's plot twist, uniqueness, like-able or interesting characters, deep and philosophical, clever and witty, coherent. Don't know if one overrides the others. Ideally, all of those work together, but if anything, I suppose unique and interesting characters are priority. They pretty much make the plot, whatever the circumstances are. Some of my favorites are from Gintama and Durarara, though there are much more.

It makes me realize how in my life, it's not so much as the circumstance as it is the person, in this case, me. I have the freedom, the choice, to choose how to act and respond. Sure, my past and experiences and circumstances will affect and in some ways limit me, but at the end of the day, I can choose to be proactive and change. I can drive my circumstances (with humility acknowledging that ultimately it's God who's in control but yet has given me trust and freedom to limited control). Take advantage of that.

316 i've forgotten how to pray

Sometimes, when we look at our excuses, they seem ridiculous. Even if they are legitimate, there are other options to override them. We either don't look hard enough or we value the alternative over the thing we make excuses about. I know I've neglected and limited myself to going to events or meeting with people because of my leased car. I don't want to go over miles and hence, I won't initiate events where I'd have to drive much or I won't attend events that I'm on the fringe about. It's silly and sad because there are many things that are worth attending and participating in that I'm often on the fringe on.

God knows this and knew a simple yet unconventional cure. I turned in my first lease with more than 1000 miles left to drive. This meant I could've driven more. Now, being less than 2 years in, I am on track to exceed my mileage by a tremendous deal. It's somewhat silly to count meticulously. I'll just pay the overcharge when it comes and move on. Of course, I'm still mindful, but I'm beginning to learn to value relationships and other things more than money, money that fortunately, I can afford. Long entry for a silly reflection.

521. yellow butterflies in the eyes

It's often the easy things that are hard. In this case, I refer to writing. Writing is not "hard." Especially with computers nowadays, you can punch keys on a keyboard and letters pop up almost instantaneously. Yet, writing is actually hard. Thoughts may flow through my mind like ants around an ice cream scoop left on the sidewalk, but when I try to gather and scoop them up, it melts through the crevices between my fingers. 

Earlier in the year, I have set a non-accountable goal to blog two or three times a week. Currently, I'm averaging 0.375 posts per week. It's more of a "too lazy" than a "too busy" issue. I'm foolish to think that writing is simple. It's time and energy and concentration and more time. Yet, it's probably a skill I need to hone. I'm always jealous at how people can be so articulate, often times, spontaneously so. Some train at it and some are natural and it'd do me no good to vent. My job, if I so desire, is to practice. Time to reorient my goals for the twenty ninth time this year.

61. they don't know where home is

It's so often that life makes no sense. Yet, it's not really that life makes no sense as it is that we make no sense of it. Lots of events seem random, unconnected, irrelevant, annoying, meaningless. Even our actions and priorities are out of whack. If we truly value "x", why do we spend so much of our time consumed with "y" and "z"? 

Focus. They say that saying "yes" to something means saying "no" to thousand something else. How do you focus when there's so many good things to focus on? It confounds me how it feels like I have lots to do but not enough that I'm doing.

101 sometimes I wonder...

Life then and life now feels like a completely separate world. It feels like my past happened to someone else, a distant stranger, a different universe altogether. Been reading a memoir lately (Educated) about an Indian girl growing up in Idaho who was raised Mormon, none of which I came close to experiencing. At times, it feels like my past feels as distant to me as even that. Partially it's because I don't remember most of it. Aside from environment and circumstance, partially, it's also because my mindset and perspective on life has changed drastically.

Yet, it's a gradual change. It's quite scary to be honest. You can be as self-conscious and reflective as you want, and you'll notice the change as they come by year after year, but when you look after at the grander length of time, 5-10 years maybe, you'll realize the sum of those changes you observe do not add up to the grand total.

(Been wanting to blog for myself again more and stumbled across this blog delightfully. Frees me from feeling like I have to end my entries somewhere or that I have to have complete and coherent thoughts.)

ff. day 662 last official day in aa; will be back for a few more days later; not sure if this means i should stop this blog

Too hectic to really type anything solid. It's the last day here in AA. Been superb. No point of saying good byes. Would be quite sad to. Yawns. Good knights.

ee. day 656 took me the longest time to recount my days

(Just for my own reference. Days are counted only based on days I'm in Ann Arbor, even if it's for 2 hours or so. So NYC, CFW, and one day from sleeping over at the Chou's in Northville did not count.)

Been a super while since I update and my update is that I'm leaving AA on the 14th of August, less than a week. It's crazy. I've already moved out of Courtyards last Sunday and have been living at my friend Jeremy Kuo's place for a while. Other recent updates were:
--Sat 8/3 James and Iris' wedding which was super amazing to witness and celebrate. Two really good friends whom I met here in Michigan who I love talking and spending time with a tremendous deal and sad that they're going to be in Cali, far far away, though I suppose I'll be away myself too.
--Sun 8/4 Officially moved out of Courtyards. that feeling that I'll really be leaving Michigan (forever?) dawned upon me right when I handed over my keys.
--Mon 8/5 My birthday, which I originally did not intend to do much but was super super blessed by all the people who showed up to dinner, especially those who traveled 30-45 mins away just for this. Had lots of fun, but more blessed that it was with friends whom I dearly love.
--Tues 8/6 Not too much. Got some things done.
--Wed 8/7 Grace Chun's place in Temperance (or Samaria), MI, for one last time! Loved it immensely of course to see her and her sis but also for the super tall cornfield, plus amazing and plethora of food at the diner.

Too much stuff going on. Not going to summarize the past few months since March. Mainly that summer in AA was super fun. I had no research so stress was mainly from not getting jobs. Other than that, hang-outs, reading, sermons, academic lectures, photoshop, script-writing, and many random happenings.

dd. day 533 minor errors that causes hours of waste

I'm about to leave for NYC tomorrow again. It doesn't feel like it at all. Of course, I have not packed. I'm spending quite some days there- Thursday to Sunday morning- more than what feels allowable. It's quite exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time, perhaps more so for my brother. Not sure how much things will change for me as I don't see him and jean much normally nowadays anyways. But much blessings nonetheless.

cc. day 489 at victors awaiting a friend who is super late and i have no idea what is up.

Came back on this blog just to check on my oscar wilde quote. Some boring updates just to help me keep track of my day counting.

--In midst of applying for jobs, hopefully near Ann Arbor, MI area, focused on Materials Science Engineering related to polymers, surface, coatings, consumer products, probably in the quality control and manufacturing positions.
--Professor said he'll be funding me though still lots of slowness in getting that started up. Hence, no classes for the semester.
--This semester feels extremely different, probably because of job search. Trying my best to connect with people as much as possible.
--AIV started an Oxford (a dorm that's further away from campus) small group in hopes to reach the lost there, which I'm part of. Interesting stuff. Love the people there thus far, though hope to see more new people.
--Stopped going to Life Group with Harvest (hmcc) because it conflicted with oxford sg. still attending HMCC on sundays but probably will go to Knox Presbyterian Church once in a while.
--Reading books as usual- currently Radical by David Platt is the main one, but a few others too.
--Brother's wedding in March coming up. haven't prepared much for it yet but hopefully in due time.

bb. day 461 what's wright or rong

Maybe good can exist without evil. Just like being satisfied but still wanting more. Yet, mercy requires injustice. Forgiveness requires a fault. I'll leave that thought as it is.

Updates on life (not in any order really):

1. Will be graduating in May 2013.

2. No need to take anymore classes but still doing research next semester. Hope to get two papers out though I really don't know- one collab, one my own. Hence, research a bit more hectic.

3. Still looking for jobs, hopefully near AA, but possibly near NY or anywhere in the US.

4. In NYC from 12/21 to 1/3. No Urbana for me.

5. Didn't get into any GSI positions so hopefully professor funds me. 

aa. day 315 if i had a couple million dollars

just got back from ny. my thoughts on it, it was a good thought. my real thoughts on it, it shall be publicly hidden for the time being.

many ppl have asked me how my research is. i always tell them it's alright, somewhat frustrating but not too bad. in reality, it kind of sucks. any progress i make is minuscule and takes too long/detail of an explanation. Setbacks and things that just don't work well is what i constantly face, the negativity far outweighs the positivism. part of me has secretly given up. i realize i spend so much of the day not doing actual research, mainly because i'm at a loss on how to proceed or the samples are not ready to be used or things i'm not able to obtain without the assistance of another individual. and it naturally feeds into laziness and lack of motivation. it feels as if other ppl's projects in the lab are more tangible and makes more sense and easier to get decent results. 

i wonder sometimes if this is how ppl view life, in this way, where failure is all they see. the plethora of negativity far outweighing any slivers of good. but even worse so, all around them, people are either doing really well or at least better than how they're doing. it must be a sad way of life.

this was an entry that should have belonged in my actual journal but as i reflected on why this blog was called fragments of imperfections, i realize how little i talk about my complaints and frustrations, which readily ties into my weakness.

z. day 282 double it up

The grass withers, the flower fades
    when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
    surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers, the flower fades,
    but the word of our God will stand forever.

Isaiah 40:7-8:


If our lives were merely a vapor in the wind, how is it so often we trust our own thoughts, our own experiences, even people around us more so than the Word of our God which stands through the ages of time? Even if I may not initially agree with a command or see the point of it, does it make sense to not follow it?

Been reminded to not waste my precious merciful time here at umich, a life undeserved, a life bought by the blood of Jesus. Striving hard to learn surrender and openness and dependence.

Usual weekly schedule events:
---research, PUBS meeting/projects, life group named Cross-fit, AIV summer sg, sometimes prayer meetings, volleyball, reading (what a great joy), art and design (font project), sermon listening, jdramas, manga, guitaring, hangouts. 

y. day 267 what to do once i reach z

It feels like I've been reading all the right parts of the right books at the right time. I always read 4 or 5 books at once and even though the topics are different, they sync together pretty well sometimes. At times, they connet with the sermons I hear or stuff I go through daily. Anyways, one thing I've come across recently was the idea of how fruit comes in seasons, not all the time. It talks about it in Psalm 1, about cultivating your heart and meditating day and night so that in season, you will produce fruit. We can't rely on intense spiritual experiences all the time to feel connected to God. There are times when they come, but our job is to be faithful and continue to obey and read His Word even if it may be dry at times.

Quick Updates:

--research has been somewhat better as i'm taking more control of the stuff i'm doing. also learning how to make use of any down time i have in research to do something productive or worthwhile

--life group with harvest for spring/summer term is joined with grad students, single adults, and married couples. it's quite exciting as i hear perspectives coming from parents who have kids and hearing older men share their wisdom and experiences. still in process of getting to know them.

--going through the book of Daniel for aiv sg. it's been good and i always look forward to seeing aiv ppl.

--got a 30 day rec pass to play vball at the ccrb. ppl who go now on fri and sat nights are the older grad students/working ppl so games are more fun. still trying my best to not focus too much on myself but try to help others improve. 

--started messing around with illustrator and love it greatly. really fun stuff.

x. day 243 hope i counted my days correctly

Such incoherent transitions:
     - from a week of finals, projects, and hecticness at umich
     - to a week of relationships, leadership, vision at cfw upstate mich
     - to a week of catching up, time with family and old friends, disconnection from michigan life, emotional and perhaps spiritual drainage back at nyc
     - and now to weeks of more intensive research, reestablishment of consistent quiet times, more intentional relationships and more serious study of the faith here in michigan.

To be honest, that's the extent to all I can write right now. I need rest.

w. 233 the pain of silence

finals week. taking only 3 class but somehow seems like the most hectic week. most other ppl were down with everything last week or have only a paper or one easy exam this week... I've still got 2 projects and 2 finals left. meanwhile, surprisingly many random negative little things popping out such as leaving my wallet at gym and locked out of my apartment til 2:15 am, light bulb died after less than a week of use, jammed finger, etc. I say all this not as a means to complain. I'm certainly learning what it means to not complain but to rejoice in all situations. Nonetheless, it is certainly quite challenging. Sometimes I wonder why can't God make things easier by being more strongly present. I wonder who much more I can be efficient and focused on doing His will than taking time to sit back and reflect and think about Him. but i suppose that is the more important thing- to seek Him rather than seek to do His work.

4/28-5/4 Chapter Focus Week (Basileia equivalent) with AIV
5/5-5/12 New York City
Late evening 5/12 Ann Arbor for rest of Summer

v. day 225 one day skipped cause of easter

Human depravity- it's a sad thing. I realized the more I've gotten to know people now, the more I value and seek to deepen my relationship with them. As C.S. Lewis puts it, it's not that our love for people to is so great, it's that our love for God is too small. Our love for people is too big in comparison to our love for God, but that just points to how small our love for God really is. I've noticed I stopped yearning to seek after His face, His beauty, His glory. I'm mindful of it, but I don't truly seek after it, partially consumed with the busy-ness of every day. But what is life if God not be the center of it all?

The many updates much shortened:
--research has picked up a bit and school is general is approaching finals and final projects. been a very hectic week and still more to come.
--lost in second round of playoffs for AIV co-ed volleyball but absolutely loved seeing people on our team get so much better at vball.
--went back home to ny for easter sunday cause sister got baptized! got to know about her faith a bit more and caught up with several people including my brother and parents.
--past saturday was baptism at hmcc and absolutely blown away by the 13 testimonies (i missed my flight to ny partially because of this. hehe.)
--last night was grad night at hmcc (and senior send off at aiv which i missed) with 37 graduating seniors and grad student as well as a few performances by other undergrads. also absolutely blown away by those 37 testimonies (i only stayed for prob 25 maybe) pointing to our human depravity and the greatness and goodness and grace of God.

Random dreams:
--I was Harry Potter.
--It's Thursday morning and Max told me he has a wedding on Saturday and that the rehearsal was tonight. He calls me later on the night and told me he got drunk so rehearsal was Friday night instead.

u. day 195 pi day

Lots have certainly happened since my last post. To summarize, research has been hectic, especially over Spring Break and even the past weekend. I found myself dreading and worrying about the need to get things done or figure out how to solve the problems of why the experiment is not working and how to go about it. along with that, I actually feel lost in my classes while I feel as if all the other students know their stuff, mainly because most of them had a strong mse background. With the departure of friends going off to vacation and the absence of people on campus, spring break was just tough not just physically and mentally from all the research stuff, but emotionally as well.

But perhaps this is where I exactly need to be. I realized so much about myself throughout this time- my thoughts, my impatience, my selfishness, my pride, my insecurities, my weak-willed spirit. For example, I would tell people how I spend all day in lab and things don't work well and it's tough and dreary and challenging. And all this is not "wrong" or "bad" per say, but I realize how much pride was associated with simply letting people know. It's as if i'm saying to them, "look at me, look how hard i work, see that i'm doing important things, facing great challenges," half expected praise and half expecting pity.

But it is here and then where I realized the depravity of humankind, my weakness in the flesh. It is here and then, in the little things, in the subtlety of the events I participate in, where I realize my need for Jesus every day, every moment of it. I think it is only through opening our eyes to the hidden sins in our lives where we really begin to yearn for Jesus.

t. day 174 sacrifice

It's day One of the Lenten season. I was really challenged to look into what the word "sacrifice" means, what it looks like to lay down my life for others. (http://blog.worldvisionacts.org/2012/02/sacrifice/) As Jonathan Walton describes, here in this season, we're giving up one or two or several things but there's so much more to that. Jesus didn't just give us one aspect of himself. He gave up EVERYTHING for us, his glory, his status, his comfort, giving us FULL joy, peace, love. It cost him dearly but the beauty and purpose in all this was worth it. Likewise, we ought to give all of ourselves to Him.

As I explore more in depth of what sacrifice means and look like, a full sacrifice, here are some things i'm giving up/picking up for these 40+ days:
1. chocolate and candy (my default every lent season cause though it's not horrifically challenging, it still serves as a reminder for me of this lent season and what it's about)
2. buying things aside from food, and presents for friends (i realize how much money i spend on myself and how often i buy stuff whether it be electronics or books or random things.
3. following through World Vision acts' challenges and exploring the meaning of sacrifice with them!
4. fasting from one meal a week (with aiv small group)

I might add on more as I usually do as the days go by. It might look as if it were an exhaustive list of do's and dont's but i really believe each serves its own purpose and that i'll grow much from it. At that end of the day, it's all about the desire to meet God and surrender/humble ourselves so that I may hear from Him better.