141 white lampshades on silver lightstand

Much to write. Which means a huge chunk shall be omitted.

These next three weeks or so will be quite exciting. It's insane the amount of workload. 23.5 credits is no joke especially towards the end of the semester. From final exams to projects to lab reports and essays to presentations and even strenuous homeworks. At the same time, cannot slack with IV, with encouraging others, with engaging in spiritual conversations, in prayer. To be honest, some sick twisted part of me finds this exciting. The amount of workload is intensifying, perhaps even terrifying, but it's exciting. There's so much to be done and I'll try my best to get them done, plus more.

In comparison, I'm mad exciting for this winter break and next semester. More free studying this break as well as next semester. It feels so wrong to be taking 13.5 credits. It feels way too little. I am strongly tempted to take at least one more class, if not two, but I think I'll find the free time useful. Hopefully I can focus more on leading and learning other things.

750 setting up digital cable modem

To condense this section into one paragraph is too challenging. Therefore, there shall be two. It's been bugging me more as of lately though i've read through explanations of such for quite some time. the thing i love about AW Tozer is that he explains things so clearly, evidently, and honestly that there isn't room for more interpretation.

A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven (John 3:27). So much of the church today secures in theology and intellect and reason. This is good. However, man by reason alone cannot know God. Spirit can embrace the intellect but the human intellect can never comprehend spirit. Reason can bring us as far as the external of truth but the deeper mysteries of God remain hidden until we receive illumination from God. Mental failure often leads us to secure spiritual pleasures by working upon fleshly emotions and synthesizing feelings from intense music and artistry. Much of the church today do not rely on the Spirit.

This whole idea leads on to who and when and why does God reveal His Spirit? is it our fault if He chooses not to enlighten us? This question was raised by myself recently as i was sharing the Gospel with my friend and a couple of times in the past. i told them what i told them but the Gospel is not something they just simply accept and be done with. they can't force an encounter with God. i had troubling answering when they will encounter God. it's more of a matter that they seek after Him.

I wonder whether i will ever get an answer as to when and why God chooses to reveal Himself to people, even to me for the matter. Regardless, there are some thing that are kept as mysteries and our job is solely to fall more in love with Him and to respond to what He chooses to reveal to us. That, I shall do.

115 if only it were that easy

Sometimes, my days become measured by my productivity, mostly in terms of academics. I was able to realize just how anal i was with the issue of time. Two hour is a huge loss when it comes to roaming around the streets of manhattan adamant on finding parking. three hours of class can be an interminable wait of wanting it to be over with even though the subject at hand is interesting. two hours of chinese chess in midst of craziness becomes depressing. 30 minutes of waiting for starbucks is highly unnecessary. 10 minutes of waiting in line for free pie becomes unbearable. perhaps sitting down to eat dinner with friends, becomes a tad less enjoyable though still good. the mind is a crazy thing. moral for the day? don't let work consume you i guess. who knows.

111 While he saw himself large and God small he was insane; sanity returned only as he began to see God as all and himself as nothing

I'm amazed at how much more of God's love I can experience- in consistency and in depth. I was quite a deceived child.

I've experience yet again. The more I know God, the more I realize how little I know about Him. It's unsettling and it keeps my mouth from moving. Yet, it's quite intriguing and rational.

Perhaps there's a problem when we don't believe we are the worse sinners.

201 the tragedy of the three little pigs

they speak of the tongue as the rudder of the boat though small, yet steers its movement. the unseen or insignificant part that reveals the heart and sets the forest on fire. at the same time, the tongue is used to praise God, encourage men, and proclaim the Good News. what is the point of the tongue if one were not to use it to do so? if one were to sit back and say no such words because he thinks what if i say the wrong things? perhaps there's a story behind my biting of the tongue a couple of days ago, which scars has still remained.

applications are unapplicable unless your theology and interpretation is sound.

403 Lord move, or move me

I hate typing when there's so much chaos going on because everything is so jumbled and unclear and all over the place. I wouldn't know how to start and continue and flow everything together. I also hate writing when there's so much joy and satisfaction because words will easily cheapen the intensity of the experience. I find it pays no justice to speak when i cannot finish. but sometimes i must speak even if it's incomplete. but i'll reserve that for next time.

441 running without breathing can be quite unsound

time goes awasting when you sit in front of your laptop with no specific aim to go about. it's insane how much time is spent on idling. yet, one still complains on the 1001:1 ratio of workload to time given to accomplish such tasks. it's crazy how the world works. excuse my random ramblings.

375 hee jae is sitting next to me

so i forgot to blog this but last sunday...the 17th of october, i went to chinatown to go to cemc and ate at a chinese restaurant. anyways, to be a boring story short, when we left the restuarant, we were walking and a HEAVY squarish metal sign 12 x 12 inches fell to the floor RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Literally, if i took another step, i would've gotten hit and seriously injured on the head. it made a huge noise and the owner of the store came out. it was quite an interesting experience but i never thought much about it.

yesterday, went to Local Church near Penn Station. it was really uncomfortable at the beginning but really really good. one guy told me how the idea of their services is to imitate the church in Acts where every member contributes to the body. Any member is given the opportunity to speak and praise in the middle of service and we all learn from each other. Their praise were hymns and they used them as prayers. It was very multi-cultural. Crazy cool experience. Great sharings as well.

225 oktapodi; people these days makes some seriously sick animations and storyline

Aesthetika. we talk design as if it were something purely visual. yet, that is only one-fifth of the total. people tend to identify items so strongly as if it were part of them, almost to the degree where the items identify who they are, their personality or whatnot.

aesthetics is more than sight. it's more than feel. what makes an object lovable and comforting includes the sound it makes, the smell it exhibits, how it tastes. what does a laptop taste like anyways? part of a printer that makes it cool is the sound it makes. no doubt it can get annoying, but there's a comfort factor in there. perhaps it's not intentional when the artist made the design to include that particular inserting paper and sliding ink cartridge noise, but it's nice. without it, it would not be a printer anymore. design is quite an interesting subject, no doubt. i miss my pencil.

204 questions of insanity

it's weird. i have not been reading. i try but i don't. i read every other thing, but not the One.

School's gotten tougher. Quite difficult that i don't wish to write any more about it. Too much mental stress to put into words the terror and worries along with slight excitement yet still worries. What keeps me sane is that I somewhat expected it and know i would've still chosen to take all these classes if I were to go back in time. What keeps me sane is that i do enjoy learning and i believe challenges is what will mold me.

i suppose that was your typical college student entry. i'll try to write something more fascinating next time.

489 maybe it's just because they're asians

So there it is- a declaration of war. I'm quite surprised. It is rather intriguing. I would've written this entry on something else but this clearly overrides anything else at the moment. or maybe not. just that i don't want to think hard to write about something that actually concerns me. I don't wish to spread the news too far cause i do not know how serious this is. i guess this turned out to be a waste of an entry now, like all others.

226 that bus driver just blew past the red light with no regard whatsoever

today was crazy nice weather, at least for those 10 minutes or so that i was outdoor. reminded me of the good old days that never existed but were in my mind regardless. they're like fake memories that became real. very precious stuff.

anyways, i was reminded to breathe. i've known it all along but simply ignored it. ignorance. it's a huge survival skill. i've realized more about this habit of mine. ignorance is generally bad- when a problem arises, most of the time, you can't just ignore it. that's like running away from reality, pretending nothing's up. but that's what we do at times, cause it's easier; it's less painful. i've noticed how i've often confused myself with ignorance and temporary ignorance. temporary ignorance is what i do a lot. there are so many things going on that i can't possibly be effective when there is an unresolved problem. that is why my brain selectively ignores the problem for the duration of solving another problem or action. after i finished whatever else, then i can start figuring out this initial problem again. i think in all the secularism of my thinking, i still believe that it's ultimately God watching over me and giving me peace through tough and stressful situations, clearing my mind of the unnecessary and filling it with creativity and focus, amongst other things.

458 it's as if time really does pass by lot slowly as one ages

Evil is not the opposite of good.
for if were the opposite of good, it would be just as powerful as good.
but i do not believe it to be so.
instead, evil is the distortion of good.
a deviation, a slight corruption, a missed note.
a just-a-tad-lower than intended execution.

that is how evil works.
not by overpowering good, but by corrupting the song one note at a time.
changing a few notes so that the final piece will end up...
entirely different.
self-confidence into pride.
physical attraction into lust.
pleasure into indulgence.
respect into envy.
self-preservation into selfishness.
ambition into greed.

evil is not the opposite of good.
just a tainting of it.

(stolen mainly from Steven James, author of Sailing Between the Stars)

145 lately i've been thinking about what to do

i need to warn you that this is one of those frequent entries that are jumbled thoughts and unorganized. therefore, do not try too hard in deciphering because it's too random.

i find it weird how i often miss people whom i never truly known, events that never happened, things that never existed, places i've never visited. everyday i worry about the busy-ness of time, not wishing to get caught up with simply doing or simply reflecting. life is a crazy thing. the more you think, the more crazy you get, yet the more at peace you are. it's funny how many paradoxes i begin to see. perhaps it's simply an excuse. i wish it to be not.

843 wednesday went by so fast, as with all other days

i took one look at the place and thought it was eh... not bad, but not what i expected. i looked out the window and found the train tracks fitted into the cool dim rainy environment and felt nostalgic. perhaps not nostalgic since i don't recall such scenes in my past, but it was that same type of feeling. maybe this place isn't so bad.

122 i finally obtained the key to salvation; yet, it wasn't as pretty as it seemed

The lost think they're found; the found realize how lost they are. and that's often the paradox of seeking and pursuing after God- it's that He was the one who pursued you first. and it's crazy because the more you know God, they more you realize how much you do not know Him.

(by the way, the headline or title for this entry does not relate to Christianity. please do not misunderstand)

735 it has never rained so much in this city for a long time

today i woke 2 hours later than i wanted to. perhaps it was because of the dream(s) i have had. they were pretty nightmarish for the most part. there are several parts of it such as me living alone on the 13th floor of an old run-down building that was pitch black and suddenly, this little humanish creature taps me on the shoulder behind me and i was mad chilled about it, but the dark still freaked me out and i tried running down the stairs but they were blocked so i jumped down and ran and ran. anyways...

the part that interested me most in my dreams was the part of casting out demons. a huge assembly of people were sitting and eating and apparently, one by one, someone gets possessed by the devil. to my surprised, it wasn't really scary. a couple of people just chased after them and in the name of Jesus, casted them out. however, there was once where no one else was around, and i was there with a possessed being. i was confident in casting the demon out in Jesus name and i spoke aloud for the demon to flee in the name of Jesus. but it didn't work. i got scared. yet, i wasn't scared of the demon at all. i didn't know why the demon did not leave. i got scared because maybe God was never with me. maybe my Christian life is a lie and I haven't really accepted Jesus in my life. it stunned my every being and i felt hopeless and shamed. later on, i realized that i needed to say more to the demon, speaking on and on about how Jesus conquers all and that the devil is already defeated. it felt like trash-talking to me. i don't believe this is how you cast demons out in the real world. i believe the simple mention of Jesus' name will be enough, commanding them once and causing them to shudder and flee.

978 i've clearly slacked

I don't feel like typing much, as with the past few days. That's the reason for my lack of entries. I'm just going to use this entry to give an unsatisfactory plug for this really sick book I'm reading. It's called SAILING BETWEEN THE STARS by Steven James. It is really really good and i would highly recommend it. It talks about the mysteries of faith and the richness of paradoxes. Agathokakological is the word.

356 this would've potentially be a nice entry but i've not got the time and energy to edit

two nights ago came a terrible storm that hit nyc. at the moment of the craziness, i simply sat in the comforts of cooper union room 104. i didn't realize magnitude until after it was over, after i came back home to queens. while i was indoors going through my normal routine, two feet diameter trees fell, (sn average of one tree per block), cars were knocked and jammed, slabs of grass and even sidewalks were ripped up, rooftops blown away, cables being torn, and much more.

the first thought from this was the thought of the chaos and poverty around the world. it reminded me of those who experience natural disasters all the time- hurricanes, earthquakes, droughts and floods. it happens everywhere, plenty of times. yet, we are so ignorant. it seems as if nothing is happening. we go through our daily routine and do not see magnitude and seriousness of the world around us. we simply live in the comforts of our home, as if what's around us is all fantasy or at least in another world.

955 choose to rejoice and praise my Lord

so a while back, even now, there are several things i do not understand why they happened. sometimes it feels like i'm disconnected with God because i do not know why things are happening to me. the rational is that if I'm close to God, He will grant me wisdom to know why things are the way they are, why these certain circumstances arises, etc. however, the wisdom of God is often not the explanation of the unknown and why certain things occur; it is the knowledge of what to do and how to proceed.

it got me to start thinking about how there are so many lies and ideas on the earth that often it's hard to distinguish what is truly real. nonetheless, the wisdom was helpful.

844 finding some worth in that new shiny thing

this was a day prior but it was one of those dreams. it felt more intense than previous though because the setting and everything was much more realistic. i don't recall much from it at all, but there was one thing i felt, or did not feel. sometimes i don't know if it's something mental or emotional but in that dream, i did not feel a bit of God's presence on this earth. for some reason, i was dead sure He did not exist. every part of me told me so. and that was crazy. once it dawned on me more and that there was nothing i can do about it, i was terrified. every bit of me was crying out for this to not be true.

perhaps this is what many people feel. and they've sooner or later grown used to it, adapted to it. they won't grow fully used to it but enough to not break down every so often. pride was their solution. warped minds and hardened hearts. perhaps this is the solution when one realizes there is no God. it's irrational though. one cannot be sure that there is no God. yet, one can experience the living God, similar to how one acknowledges that he has a family and friends and relationships. our God is very alive and real. it's a totally different story.

119 august needs to have eight entries

cape cod was quite awesome. enjoyed it much more than i thought i would. got to know the vball guys, and the girls much better. had mad fun playing vball and chilling. lots of scrabble playing and movie watching. fun food eating and cooking and shopping times. kind of wish i can stay longer but there's mad junk to take care of. apartment stuff, iv stuff, getting back to school stuff, no idea. it'll be interesting.

805 there was only one catch, and that was...

heading up to cape cod real soon. probably going to drive part of it. quite excited to drive but i always tend to fall asleep on long trips. 4.5 hours is quite long i suppose. we'll see.

anyways, will be playing lots of vball with cooper people there so that's pretty fun i suppose. other than that, hopefully i'll be able to enjoy the nice scenery and experience a different environment for devotionals and share my life with my friends there. wish for my attitude, actions, and speech to exhibit who Jesus is.

312 king of hearts, you're the queen of spades, probably 2 jacks

i just realized a simple truth about life that many others have already. it answers my confusion of yesterday's post. the grass is greener on the other side. i've always tailed towards one side for so long and never truly had the true experience of the other.

there's the side of productivity and always wanted to do something, wanting to learn, wanting to seize and move forward, full of purpose, full of excitement. the common negativity is that one often becomes stressed, overburdened by taking on too much, burnt out, depressed from frequent failures, understanding one's own lack of capability. the other side is the chilled, relax, let's play some games and have fun and simply enjoy each other's presence. it requires no planning, not much effort and much freedom. everyone secures each other with love and feels comfortable being around each other saying whatever, doing whatever and not risk being rejected. the common negativity is that it often lacks purpose, it often seems to create a standstill and breeds selfishness. it does not tackle the issues of the world, it does not feed the poor, and it does not change the world. and sooner or later, that security of love breaks down. one can assume which side i most identify with.

how this fits into God's plan for humanity and living life to the fullest? i believe it's the first side for 6 days and the latter side for the 7th day. i believe the latter side does get mixed into those 6 days, but not to a high degree. or maybe i'm simply justifying my lack of capability to spend each day just chilling and having fun.

210 touch screen desktops being patented by apple

it's amazing how normal life feels these past few days. i don't even know how i would explain what i mean. it feels normal yet it's different from my typical day. it's very carefree and relaxed but that's what most of my days are too. it's focused on fun and less on unnecessary worries but it's not like i don't have fun normally. it's not even that i've felt closer to God, which is worry-some for me since that might mean i'm enjoying life simply because it might be that i'm being deceived and too careless. perhaps it's understanding that i'm so blessed with so many awesome people in life and feeling loved, and enjoying time spent with them. but i never care for simply spending good moments with them. i solely wish to grow spiritually with each other. i suppose showing each other love and enjoying time together is part of that, but i feel like there's so much more, though at the same time, i believe i'm complicating things.

what i wanted to say is that this world is amazingly huge and i don't understand everything and i try and i fail and feel bad about it since i can't. to realize that i simply have 0.0000000000001% of the knowledge in the world is quite unresting for me. and even that number is a huge overestimation.

352 it still wasn't that terrible of a story i guess

i did not mean to write an entry but i need to fulfill my 8 entry quota for the month so i should write something now.

it's a confusing thing- what it means to empty ourselves or be right with God. talks of the grace of God and how it's entirely initiated by Him and only can be this way is humbly, and reassuring. when we accomplish his mission, it is because He has used us and given us the power to do so. these are situations that are dead impossible. but it's a confusing thing- when you do not experience this kind of power, this experience of being used. it's not something you can will yourself or train yourself to experience, but it is by God's grace. you may open your heart up and all, but there are no guarantees He will use you; or maybe there are- maybe His promises.

517 it's not simply about kindness one lives for, please don't misunderstand

christian music is powerful. it's even more apparent to me- my lack of growth. been deceived for quite some time. i read and learn more and perhaps understand theology more, but that does not substitute for a personal relationship with God, one where i can feel His presence and know that He is interacting in this world. theology helps, but it only goes so far. what i desire is the know God as Daniel from the Bible know God. it's so hard seeing the realness of the relationship people of the Bible have with God. it's almost as if they lived in a totally different dimension. but i believe that God is alive and interactive in this world. the Word would simply be ink on paper and nothing more if He wasn't so. but the Word became flesh.

448 it's easy to confused being idealistic from optimistic in midst of reality; i've always thought i was the latter but i'm not too sure anymore

envy. i've noticed perhaps that one of my biggest, most current, sin would envy. most times, it's hard to trust God with my life, my career, my relationships, all that. i envy at others with a guided career, others who are well off financially (which is ironic since i get full scholarship, yet i still take out loans so i'll be in debt), others who have jobs or at least interns (really really wanted one though i suppose it wasn't God's plan for me this summer or He wanted to test me or i'm just not liked by the world), others who have good relations with family (though i do not necessarily personally desire it to a strong desire, i truly believe that this is what God intends for every family so therefore, i try my best to desire it), others who have better basketball skills, others who study harder than i do, others who easily gets their way such as looking for apartments, others who just have anything better or more than i do.

i never thought i'd be so envious but at least i realize it more. i'll just need to get better and beat everyone else at basketball and making money and taking their jobs. i joke. all about trust... and working hard... but moreso trust.

93 i just keep on forgetting what i want to write

quick warning that this is a post that is a jumble of thoughts and may not make sense. i wrote as i thought, not caring for grammar corrections or structuring formats.

i don't believe i've concretely realize when i'm in the midst of a series of terrible events- from the major effects of highly allergic reactions to dust yet tons of moving and tiredness not being able to get good sleep and also the ankle sprain that just doesn't seem to heal though it's a blessing it doesn't hurt much, to lots of frustrations and stressful thoughts, to simple things like trains not coming right away and delays, waiting on the wrong line at grocery stores, and losing my favorite pair of flip flops that i am no able to get anywhere.

this post is not a post of a rant. what i realize is that sometimes, the more i seek to find God, the more i know Him, the less I do know Him. it is paradoxical and falls nothing short of it. the more i know Him, the "worse" life gets. it's as if He's asking me whether it's still worth it to seek. to say that my previous list (that excluded many more negativity) are hardships that challenges my determination to follow Him may perhaps be demeaning to His call. yet, these are the very hardships that has challenged me to stay calm and at peace and prayerful, despite the apparent insignificance of them.

8 leaking over sixty gallons of blood in two wheel barrels

moving is quite an interesting experience. it's been three years. before that, it was every couple of years or so; all i know is that i've moved over eight times in my life. what i've noticed is that there is always so much useless junk i don't throw out- some are literally just pure useless where i don't know why i've even kept them for so long, but some others are useless items that hold significant memories or items that were given by old friends, especially those who were close but don't talk with anymore.

there are clothes from missions trips, bridge tournament, retreats, etc; journals and notes and cards from different stages in life; birthday presents and presents in general; even stuff from hk like my expired ID and subway card. many of these things are useless but it's hard to throw them out. it feels as if they are the proof of your experiences. it feels as if you were to throw them out, your experiences were never existent or they were fake. when no one else was there to validate them for you, only these items can hold such meaning.

i'm looking forward to when i'm old to look back at the past of right now and smile,... hopefully.

53 one way ticket is quite expensive, though makes sense

so latest news is that we're moving out of the place in flushing before this upcoming Saturday. cousin Sam already left for hk last night. it's quite a sad thought. almost feels like we're growing up. i'm sure he'll have a blast in Japan though. anyways, moving most of the stuff out on Thurs. prob move more stuff on Friday. it'll be quite the excitement. Probably going to temporarily stay at parent's place.

32 they said those casseroles are quite delicious

this world has become a bit too gray, and i speak not of dullness. perhaps people have been kinder, nicer, apologetic. we live in an age where we try not to offend anyone, where we tolerate injustice and readily "forgive." this modern age has such a twisted sense of grace and a distorted view of forgiveness. they tell me it's okay; it's not that bad; there's a middle road; there are gray areas. the world i used to live in was very black and white. at times, i prefer it to be that way.

58 she told me the act of my not shaving is offensive to society

what were we made for...? to know God. what aim should we set ourselves in life...? to know God. eternal life..., best thing in life..., brings most joy? to know God. there's this whole issue with knowing God versus knowing about God.

some say knowing God is like knowing another person, a friend or family or someone close to you. to some degree it's true, but it's so much more. to know something or someone depends on the complexity of the object that is being known. to know a cake is rather simple. look at the shape, size, color, ingredients, taste it and that's pretty much all there is to it. to know a horse is a bit more difficult but spend a day with it, know its habits and likes/dislikes and you're pretty much done. to know a person is tons more difficult as he may choose to lie to you or keep secrets from you and can easily change. therefore, to know God is every bit more complex and difficult. that is not to say it isn't worth th effort. just as the person can choose to not lie to you, what we know of God depends on what He chooses to reveal for us.

it's quite obvious the differences as well as God is Holy and perfect. He is so much higher and invisible.

84 it's five entries behind so i'll need one every day

when two or more gather... i'm getting more and more excited about prayer meetings. they tend to be a weird experience for me. nonetheless, i truly believe it is the primary place where God moves. that's how revolutions start. that's where revival begins. prayer is the sign of faith, the believing of the power and willingness of God. it's the desire of the heart to seek for more than one experiences and the humbleness of knowing we are nothing but dust, incapable beings. a church without praying men may very well not exist just as a christian man without prayer cannot possibly be of the faith.

98 the law of equivalent trade dominantly exists in the midst of grace

this morning was intense, partially due to a dream, partially due to my negativity and worries. i didn't want to ignore it and keep myself busy so i kept these thoughts whirling around in my mind longer. it literally felt like my mind was going to blow and i was going to end up going crazy. i believe it was the grace of God that sustained me.

perhaps the primary way to look at pain and suffering is as a sign of growth. i'd rather be put through difficulty and tire out and emotionally wracked than to stay stagnant and cluelessly stagnant. it's ironic how i always ask God to take away my pride, and I always get mad at Him when He does so. did i think that the extraction of my flesh would be pain-free and simple? clearly, the deeper my pride, the deeper the hurt.

running away from the pains and chaos in your mind and heart would simply create disaster. the importance is for Truth to enter in.

86 wow, haven't heard sonicflood for years; used to love them much

it's quite interesting to see the uniqueness of each fellowship. lots of pros and cons, generally more cons. but that's just the way i perceive things. i'm really grateful for all the leadership training they have at Willows Creek and elsewhere. it's crazy.

seriously...sonicflood is so good. don't like his voice too much though.

45 hypocritical deception

out of all the things, i don't even know why i blog of this. anyways, today i went to cooper after not being there for the past two months or so. went to computer center and stayed for like 1.5 hours. i've been to the city (mainly bobst) countless times over the summer already and it's been good. however, stepping foot in the cooper building and walking around and leaving the place, i felt so much like i was at home. it's quite weird, i didn't expect it. but i felt so at peace and reflective. that's pretty much it.

11 getting sliced on the leg with a knife in an unfair fight

it's incredibly beautiful this morning. haven't felt the coolness of the breeze for weeks maybe. it's weird- with beautiful days come beautiful sorrows. the urge to reflect on life takes over the mind and sadness arise- whether the memories were good or bad. perhaps it's the longing of the soul to relive these thoughts, knowing that they exist no more.

i just finished reading Full Metal Alchemist yesterday. I spent a great deal of time on it it's embarrassing. It was extremely good, lots better than the first anime that came out. full of great lessons but two main things i got was 1. the importance and excitement of chasing after a specific goal and 2. the importance and beauty of the friends around you, people you associate and come in contact with frequently in life. the world today is too big.

23 the man who poured powder on her head

i realize that sometimes i try to apply the Word directly into my life before i even meditate upon what it might be saying. i fall into the err of thinking that the areas i believe are stuggling with or dealing with or experiencing are the ones God wants to address to me. One must first read the Word for what it is and not quickly jump to assumptions. A passage that talks on anger and destruction may very well speak of love.

99 i was going to blog about china

From Joel Wickre from Blood:Water Mission:
People who are treated as helpless come to hold a lesser view of themselves. People who believe they are "blessed to be a blessing" and not in need themselves come to a lesser view of the people they serve. These victim and savior complexes create a co-dependency that perpetuates the problems of poverty and far outweighs any temporary relief such missions provide...Poor people understand that getting help requires appearing helpless, and rich people unwittingly advance the helplessness of those they serve by seeing them as objects of charity, not equals.

35 awaken to the sounds of the morning

i love how events just fall into place. it's as if God has each day prepared and designed beforehand. my daily dissatisfaction is not so much the lack of accomplishments or tasks fulfilled but the absence of beings to share with. i'm learning more and more the beauty and necessity of a healthy God-intended community. the tendency of oneself to live life alone is not of the Spirit. one can live life by oneself but he will never life live to the fullest in doing so. there are times when he may be put to the test and do so, but that period of time is not a lifestyle but simply a period of time.

48 redeeming time when men think least i will

this is not cool. it feels as if every night when i ponder at the turnout of my day, i feel i haven't accomplished much. i look at the clock that reads 11:45 and i wonder why it has already become so late. i think back and wonder what i've done all day. how does time pass by so quickly. where has it all gone? quite the mystery. it's quite the miserable feeling i must say. perhaps i didn't fulfill God's plans for me that day. i'm guessing it's also because i've been focused on accomplishing a secret project that definitely is a lot harder than i had imagined. so i end up spending lots of time on it but only accomplishing a small portion of it. oh wells. guess i'll just quicken up my pace and sacrifice quality. =).

55 kangaroo notebooks

one night i see the NBA finals- high-classed; tens of thousands of audiences excited and aroused, each team with their team jerseys, team shorts, team jackets, team warm-ups, team towels, team chairs; high-classed. then i watched a scene from documentary that showed of poverty and injustice during the war times, specifically wwII. peasants being hungry everyday, fathers trying to feed family, women getting raped and mistreated, young men getting killed. it seems like two separate worlds. one may say this is of the past, but it is very real even in today. it happens every day, every minute, every second of our lives. yet we block it out. we don't ponder it. we don't acknowledge it. in short, we run away. we are afraid we must do something if we think about it, learn about it. we run a lot. the same goes for our sins. we keep ourselves busy. we keep ourselves not needing to think.

ezekiel is a sick book.

96 reality still must be created

Confirmations are weird. sometimes i don't really get how they work. like when God calls you to do something, how can you be sure it's God. they say it has to match the Word, probably good to consult strong trusted believers, and perhaps signs. signs- they're the weird part. it really all depends on how a person interprets it. what one person perceives to be impossible and amazing, another can simply regard it as normal. i'm talking about vague signs here, as in the revelation of bible verses that kind of relates to the calling or numbers popping out of nowhere, perhaps even dreams. Clear signs such as how Rich Sterns became president of World Vision are cool, but i'm not sure if i see that in my everyday life. perhaps it's not an everyday thing and perhaps God hasn't called me to something as defined of a position or action. or perhaps my mind is full of unbelief, which i truly believe it's a good thing in many situations. i suppose that's how the world works.

49 humans are such foolish creatures

the question pops up once again- the one about Truth and lies, about reality and imagination. maybe it's because i watch too many animes. it's somewhat related to the theme of uncertainty, which was the theme of tecbc this past weekend, but it's much more than that. our past shapes who we are now, the emotions we feel, the way we react, the thoughts in our brain. most of the reason we do the things we do is because of what we believe and most of what we believe is because of what we experience (not simply physical experiences but even if we read a book or processed ideas).

so pretty much if we change our beliefs, we change our actions, perhaps even emotions. what about when we change our past? what if we reprogrammed our minds and alter our memories of the past? what if we reinvent stories of the past? only you would know what really happened, and even then, maybe you won't. it takes too much effort to validate the stories anyways and perhaps you won't even need it.

my thoughts of dramatic events are questioned and i often wondered whether it was actually real. why not reinvent scenes in life to add depth and interest? the validation of these scenes to me would be just as "real."

89 the misery of the uneventful

so along with my usual reading, i've been looking up some anime. i've been impressed at that i actually found 3 pretty good ones. that's rare. i hope these rising artist up their game in story plot and wit. drawings are usually good, for the most part. i talk of "Working," "something Maid," and "Durarara."

i was watching nickelodeon and disney channel today and was very impressed with the artistry in the transitions and short scenes. though there are still many obvious flaws with several shows and lame jokes, overall, lots of them are pretty good.

36 got two more to go

this upcoming week will be tecbc 2010. i'm quite excited as i'll be going as a bible study along with several other college students. hopefully have a positive influence on high school kids. i'm sad none of the members of my specific crew goes to stuy though. oh wells, i guess Jesus loves them still. anyways, been studying the passage in Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on water and Matthew 28 with the Great Commission. It's quite surprising how much stuff i learned from other people's insights. it really blows my mind every time how little i know about the Word- motivation to read, and to read in depth.

54 waking up dead inside of my head

so today i went with my sis to get vaness wu's autograph. i didn't really know who he was except that he's from f4 and recently became a Christian. i guess that's good enough. waiting for 2 hours nearly and got his autograph on a poster, along with evonne hsu, who i had no idea who she was. she was a lot prettier in person than on google images. now i got a poster of both their signatures. i guess i'll hang it up sometime.

20 it's been five years i guess

so Basileia was sick. anyways, i haven't updated. cool story about today. so at Basileia, i prayed that the vision would be so real that every morning we would be excited to get up and carry forth the vision, praying for people, and expecting God to do great things. so this morning, i was just lying in bed for a good 30 minutes pondering about whether i should get up or not since i didn't need to wake up so early and wondering what i'll do today. suddenly, the vision hit me, and a cooper person came to mind that i needed to pray for in relation to the vision. that excited me to get up and shower and then pray. it was quite cool.

8 the day carrot was born

So it's May 8th, a typical Saturday in the life of many. There's a CNN showing partnered with Discover the Journey (Christian organization) talking about the aftermaths of Haiti and testimonials at 8 pm. Check it out.

Anyways, I guess I'll dedicate this entry to an art person friend of mine whom I never really hung out with though I knew her for two years and will continue this way til who knows when.

The title is of the piece is "5 Rabbits 8 Carrots."


Here's the black and white version in case you're interested. The font was hand-created to be Helvetica.

64 i've been posting too often, my bad

it's crazy how real dreams are and how much it affect your emotions and subconscious mind. this morning was a sad day. i had several short sad moments in my dreams. i really don't recall them well- only two of them.

the first, we were going to someplace i have no idea where in a bus/train and i was sitting next to venus the entire time- devastating. it was like a coach bus i suppose. but then it stopped at stations that were pretty much train stations with tracks and all. the second one involved going to carrot's apartment except it was more of a dorm cause all her art friends were there and lived next door and so. she was skipping out on friday fellowship to do schoolwork. the frightening part was when i met her future roommates which were weird people since apparently she was desperate to find people to live with her (obviously this is not real life!).

Than once again, as usual, i woke up and the sky became more blue.

40 there sure are a lot of asians at Redeemers, esp girls

Sitting on the bench of the subway station on some random Sunday morning, I reflect. I remember the times when the weather was as beautiful as today- with the sun shining bright and a little breeze at just the right moments- except back in the day, I didn't cherish it. What was on my mind then, I have no idea. I was probably with my mother and most probably my brother, riding the subway and thinking about what a scary thought it'd be to ride the steel boxed container on my own. It's crazy how the mind of a mind is so wrapped in a sense of dependence. However, it soon evolves and expands as he grows and becomes capable to think for himself and rely on himself. This is the story of a boy who becomes a man and a man who becomes independent. Sooner or later, he realizes that his mind never evolved to be self dependent. It was merely the intoxication of his imagination.

51 summer with its crazy warm weather

in case you thought you were smart and figured something out, i honestly did not use "51" because of May 1st. just wanted to clarify.

Alvin hooked me up with Cake. I've got it from him for a long time now but just never took the effort to check it out. It's sooo good. Anyways, May 1st is exciting. I should be wearing the Ayiti shirt to re-raise awareness for Haiti's crisis, except i never got one. http://discoverthejourney.bigcartel.com/product/the-ayiti-shirt. I should have; so regret it now. CNN will be airing a testimonial of people in Haiti, partnering along with Discover the Journey, on May 8th at 8 pm. Check it out. Decently encouraged.

88 a live plastic roach the size of a shoe

Peace. Peace is the presence of a Being, not the absence of negative or stressful thoughts. Going through finals week with exams and projects can often be a test of discipline, mental power and character. I believe that peace is important in every circumstance- good or bad. Finals week can easily be stressful. However, we do not overcome it by ignoring our studies or not thinking about the amount of work we have to do. That would simply be running away from reality. Peace comes from the presence of the Creator, who loves us and wants us to be at peace. It is important to not get caught up with studies and work but to sit back and think- think about what we are here on earth for- think about what is really important in life. The presence of the Being gives us peace that transcends all understanding. The presence of our Savior changes everything.

33 apple pie yogurt

Thus the LORD, the God of Israel, said to me: "Take from my hand this cup of the wine of wrath, and make all the nations to whom I send you drink it." Jeremiah 25:15

So I took the cup from the LORD’s hand, and made all the nations to whom the LORD sent me drink it:... Jeremiah 25:17

It's verses like these that you must stop and ponder a bit. First, we see the beauty of how the Lord commands something, and immediately, the receiver (in this case Jeremiah the prophet) obeys. But what was interesting to me was how Jeremiah took the cup from the Lord's hand. What is that supposed to mean? I suppose you wouldn't translate this literally, although I'm not sure if i can tossed out this idea entirely. Whichever the case, I see a strong sense of connection between God and man- Jeremiah hears the Word of God (as with other prophets) directly and is without a doubt sure that he's communicating with God. Also, I wonder how it was possible for Jeremiah to make all the nations whom God sent him to give to drink it. It must of taken him a few years (though it felt only like a couple of days when i read through the Word). What did it look like to go to a king and be like, drink from this? It is quite weird.

47 what Greek philosophers got wrong was the controlling of one's virtues

The Word really has its way of convicting humankind. I suppose it is more accurate to say the Spirit. I'm beginning to read it a little differently now. I'm beginning to take it at face value. When it says sin leads to death, it means sin leads to death. When it says those who walk in darkness are not children of God, those who do not love his brother does not know God, it means just that.

Our culture has a way of skewing the Truth discretely little by little and interpret everything according to certain preconceived ideals. Sure, there are some things that are gray and tough to decipher, but there are many more things that are black and white, that are moral and immoral, that are good and bad, that leads to life or to death. Do not let our culture and ideals and desires alter His Word. Let the Truth stand, not unquestioned, but uncompromised.

301 write Your name upon my heart

it's amazing listening to old songs that i use to love but grown too used to. i remember it was fairly new listening to Sonic Flood and a few other artists in hs and i loved it immensely. after not hearing them for 4 years or so, it brings back memories. it's usually the now boring old songs that pack meaning with power.

28 it makes it fifty cheaper

i suppose one usually talks about one's experience after one has come back from a decent long trip.

Aside from getting zero work done, my trip to Binghamton University had been a blast. For one it was relaxing and fun. Kevin treated me most of the meals and we played ball quite often, while I got to chat with Vicki a good bit. Hung with them both and Debra a lot. It was a very interesting experience but i shall only share one aspect.

I suppose it's that one needs to chill with school a bit more often sometimes and not get too caught up. It made me understand what enjoyment is about a bit more. I did get a chance to review orgo so that was exciting as well.

76 bouncing in two hours

Yesterday was an exciting day. It was one of the most relaxed I ever had I suppose. Earlier this week had been quite unnerving as there were projects and homeworks and other stuff to be done. It was also exiting cause I got to hear about nyu aacf leadership switches. That's pretty much all I wanted to say. Sometimes, excitement is so intense that writing it (or typing it to be technical) calms me.

Anyways, I recently saw a tedtalk on the warnings against 'local warming.' it was quite a serious talk with lots of laughter in the background. He talked of the postures people have when they blog and the location of the laptop. He talked of studies showing high risks of some random disease or damages created from the heat of laptops. thought it'd be appropriate to mention this on a blog. it was really one of the more boring talks I've seen on that site. www.ted.com. The origami and many others were quite sick.

29 spring chickens on cake pops

i was walking on the streets today and i realized something. when i talk to people about a fact, such as- this chair is wooden or the bathroom is to your right or Fick's law determines the rate of passive diffusion relating concentration, thickness, diffusion coefficient and other stuff. when i talk of scientific facts or historical events, i speak of them with no alterations, with assurance that the listener accepts as fact.

what would it look like if i talked about God like that. i realize that i always want to make sure i can prove what i say and defend the faith before i tell others about my experiences or thoughts. what if i talked of my experiences as direct facts. yeah, Jesus did rise from the dead a couple thousand years ago. yeah, He is living now. assurance. no questions asked.

this was a terribly written entry but my thoughts stay. i have not the time to revise.

39 it's too sad to be told at this moment

Who Moved My Cheese- Spencer Johnson. One of the most popular, if not -the- most popular business book sold in the last decade. It spoke of two mice, Hem and Haw, who dwelt in a maze. One day, after years of finding cheese in the same exact location, they awoken to the terror of their precious cheese missing. One sat back and whined, wanting to wait for the cheese to reappear while the other wanted to explore new parts of the maze to find more cheese. In the end, the adventurous mouse convinced his friend to search for food with him. There are lessons to be learned in this story. Change is inevitable. One can whine and complain about their situation or one can suck it up and deal with it and move on.

Labyrinths are interesting. I never knew.

84 the day that dinosaurs died

this mother was sitting down, holding her 3 year old daughter as i got on the 6 train. a couple of stops later, she carried her to leave. the cool thing was that the little girl waved and said "buy buy" to this random asian kid sitting down.

the incident reminds me of what He says about the little children- that they are innocent and pure. nyc is full of ignorance and busy-ness or rush-ness. strangers don't generally say hi or talk to each other. our culture makes it seem stalker-ish or weird or perhaps even rude. it all seems normal because we've become used to it. no need to be friendly to everyone we see. they mind their own business while i mind mine. yet, when He designed the world, i believe He wants us to love each other, even strangers. what does that look like? nyc is weird because they are a massive load of people. it all reminds me of how dominantly our culture has replaced the Word of the Great I AM in our lives. I need to read.

67 today is april first two thousand ten

I am very excited to see how He works at campus. It matters not whether I doubt or not. Or maybe it does a bit. I'll try my best not to. I should talk to them more.

3 don't say anything stupid

i've noticed that i've been keeping a consistent 8 entries per month. I don't purposely plan this. it just naturally happens. i'm quite ashamed though. I thought it'd be more.

anyways, i've noticed my desperate lack to hide His Word inside my heart so I bought myself a new bible with a translation that I would enjoy more than my current one. I can't wait. It's a great size. I'm looking forward to it. still been reading, but it's not as interesting. the reality of Him who sits on the Throne. (wow...throne was such a weird word to spell out. i guess i don't use it much.)

90 do not make pancakes with hot water

i haven't been seeing the reality of it. for one, school hasn't been as exciting. feels like i'm on spring break or something right now. got mad stuff to do but have been avoiding them. need to get back on track. become more motivated perhaps. i'd usually slack off a little bit, but i think this is too much of a slack for me currently. i don't quite like it. my mind's been tampered with.

44 spoken in the courtroom of the prestigious ivy

five lives versus one. morality based on end results or end does not justify the means. cost-benefit analysis. right to one's property- taxation or forced labor. state of nature yet there is government. avoiding draft and avoiding parenthood- on conscription/volunteer or egg/sperm donors and right to child. the value of a human life treated as an object to be bought or sold. a price value labeled on a human. the life of a human being compared to lives of five human beings. justice. morality. politics.

113 the simplicity of life

we live in such a complex world. we live in an age where abundance overwhelms and consume us. there's so many things to do, so many hobbies we can pick up. Communication via the net or the phone or the travelling creates an environment where people stay connected- so many different people to talk to, to catch up with, to meet. All around us are commercialized buildings with stores full of clothing and furniture and jewelry and bizarre items, where buying more than we need don't seem too much. there are so many different styles and designs and functions, as well. so many new ideas spring up and philosophical debates arise and solution proposes. i don't think we're made to live such complex lives. we only get lost in it.

it's the idea of being jack of all trades but king of none. the idea of knowing everyone but not knowing a single one. the idea of having everything but not using any of it. the idea of knowing a lot but forgetting a lot. being caught up in all these things, being consumed by these, focusing energy and time of these- perhaps that is the tragedy of the modern man.

38 i wasn't there

i've been quite full of myself lately. didn't even realize til now. confidence vs. self-righteousness, security vs. pride. i need to sleep.

10 go to nyu or go play neopets

the more i read about it, the crazier it gets. these are lives of human beings created in the image of God. these are happening every second of the day, right now as i am typing, as i am breathing. what's crazy is the ignorance of the people who can do something about it- the ignorance of the church. i'm not here to simply blame the church, but it's staggering to know that we have so much abundance that we can easily lift the poorest 1 billion people in the world out of EXTREME poverty. The total income of American churchgoers is 5.2 trillion (more than 5,000 billion). The poverty gap between the rich and the poor is ridiculous and sickening.

Money isn't the only thing i refer to however. Food- a child dies every 5 seconds from hunger-related causes. some 350-400 million children are hungry every day. Water- 1 of 6 do not have access to clean water, with many walking miles everyday, missing school and work to fetch for water that is tainted and filled with parasites. Malaria, TB, HIV and AIDs, lack of shelter, abandonment, abuse, WAR and displacement.

How can we live life the way we do still after knowing such things happening in the world every second of our lives? What does God expect of us? "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

73 i'm guessing the time he arrived

some random conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking about the whole idea of predestination and the like. obviously, i won't be summarizing my entire thoughts because one, it's boring, second, you can read it anywhere and probably have, third, it's going to fill up a thousand and one pages.

however, i shall broadly share one- it's based on the idea of geographic accident, where we are wired the way we are because of the influence around us as we were growing up. in this sense, the geographical location (this includes the people living in the area and the media and the natural environment and ideas and government and all that). would my personality be very different if i was raised up differently? let's say i was raised in the same exact way as michael jordan was. aside from the physical abilities, or maybe even including the physical, would i share the same thoughts, do the same things as he did? that's kind of a weird premise though.

i suppose there's a confusion between talents, personality, character, skills, and strengths. as of now, i believe the first two are specific to each person regardless of the influence around them. i believe these can change however, which seems controversial, but i shall spare myself the explanations.

37 i already spent more on food in one week than i did all of last month

the mind can only grasp so much. i read and read. i store and gain knowledge and soon forget. information comes in and out. when messages are not put to action, they become useless. they become dangerous even. data overload. i keep forgetting.

the heart can only grasp so much. i read and read. i hear of stories of the displaced and of the violated. i hear of those who would rather sleep than live another day. i listen to the songs of those i dearly love and miss them so. when dying souls are not cared for, they simply remain empty.

i haven't posted in a while. thought i'd at least type up something.

9 the book of bantorra

February is officially over. This last week, i spent . The entire month, i spent $69.27 -compared to my limit of $123.83. That's 56% of the given amount, averaging to $2.5 a day instead of $4.40.

I celebrated by spending $40 at Walbaum's today. I hope it lasts me at least 2 weeks. Knowing me, i might indulge and finish it one.

117 the brightness of worship

i don't recall many days like today where i actually enjoyed life even when i was not as productive in terms of schoolwork. i attended NYC Church at 11 and Trinity Grace Chelsea at 7. i enjoyed both services very much, especially since I was with Cooper people. I shall not summarize but for one thing, worship is a very different experience.

one more week til the end of february.

17 the moment becomes more scary every time i wonder

i'm embarrassed by the length but there is no other way. hope it comes as a good read: reprocessing the Gospel.

Let's assume God exists, which He does. Now, what's the point of God creating humans? (I assume humans exists as well, which they do.) I'm clearly biased and wish not to think of all the ridiculous possibilities, but I believe He created humans so that they can love God and love each other. It is part of His Being, His nature perhaps, that He must be worshiped. Loving Him is the ultimate form of worship. One may look at that and call God selfish, but one may also look at that and see that it benefits us as humans to worship God. We are made to worship so when we do so, it aligns with our soul, our purpose. This may also seem as predestination somewhat, but if we really are created by God, who are we to say how God should make us.

If we were to believe that God made us to love Him and to love each other, then we should also agree that God wants to reveal Himself to us. Otherwise, we wouldn't be worshiping Him if we do not know who He is. We also wouldn't know what love truly is. We wouldn't be able to love Him and love others. We often think we know a good bit of love, but God's love is entirely different. He speaks on loving your enemies, forgiving those who has hurt you, and sacrificing your life for the sake of others. These are acts that one cannot fully accomplish without first experiencing God's love.

So now, God wants to reveal Himself to us so we may learn love. How does He reveal Himself to us? I believe this is the perfect transition: http://januarythirtieth.blogspot.com/ This entry is becoming far too long.

713 two hours of class on a monday

for clarification purposes. my goal of $123.83 for the month of february is not to experience the life of those who live under two dollars a day. the experience comes as a side effect of it, in a positive way i suppose. the goal is simply to watch my spendings more closely and not spend as much money. also keeps me from indulging on food. i find it pretty hard living on less than $4 a day. it's sick to imagine how people do it.

i also realized that my splitting to $4.40 a day was based on 28 days, which is the month of february, but it was compared to january's 31 days. i technically had a 3 day advantage.

314 heading to forefront

One of the great uses of twitter and facebook will be to prove on the last day that prayerless was not from lack of time. -John Piper

this was twittered by some random guy. dwell upon that for a bit. it's not saying twitter and fb is necessarily bad. it's bad especially when your time is spent on these things rather than on seeking God. it doesn't simply extend to twitter and fb.

56 a girl named bellteppi

the theme's reoccurring.

it's not the end of the week yet, but i wish to update my status nonetheless. so one of my goals for the month of february is to spend HALF as much money I spent on food last month. January total was approximately $247.66. Half of that is $123.83. Divide that by 4 and you'd get $31 per week. Divide that by 7 and you'd have $4.40 per day.

M- $3, Tu- $0, W-$2.5, Th-$3. I must admit, i had a few granola bars and cereal which i didn't count towards the budget since they were purchased before February. Nonetheless, granola bars don't get you very far.

The average person in the world lives on less than $2 a day. Living expenses are different in other countries but still, i think $4.40 is somewhat equivalent, if not still an overestimate of what the AVERAGE person lives off. Trying to get a taste of what that's like, though i'm sure i'm still living WAY BETTER than those people do.

i'm definitely feeling the pain of not eating. i just need to watch out for my health at the same time.

26 one must not have two entries on the same day

breaking perfection, or more correctly, idealism.

School has become even more scary. The more I take my classes, the more I realize how scared I am to find out that chemical engineer might actually be boring. Either that, or it's hard. My classes seem intimidating this semester. I'm not sure why particularly. I feel behind and I have the tendency to blame teachers for their incompetence in teaching. That may simply be an excuse that I don't know my material. The subjects seem too overwhelming to study. Nonetheless, I will try my best to do well.

I need to cut off on recreational reading. It's terrible. I do so much reading that I become sick of it, and then when it comes to textbooks, I felt like I've read enough for the day. There's so many ideas to process already. I guess I shouldn't start new books. I don't see it happening. It's like a drug.

47 fossilized jellyfishes in australia

i have nothing on my mind to write except i feel guilty for not updating. that is all.

30 I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time

a quote from Blaise Pascal

it is january thirtieth, a day which bears no significance as compared to any other day. yet, this is a day where i write. this is a day where my mind is afresh, at least a bit more than usual. i shall live to bear witness. i shall write to further bear witness. yet, i can only bear witness if I have seen His works. i can only testify if He has shown me who He is. It is not simply because the Scriptures say so, not simply because clergymen say so. It is simply and perhaps purely because He dwells in me. the question therefore is, has He?

34 it's just one of many

[[[ Just after midnight, when many of her neighbors were enjoying their sleep, Priscilla Kahang’u was wide awake, wondering whether her 2-year-old daughter, Comfort Shindani, would have a chance to see the sun that morning.

By 8:00 a.m., Comfort’s health had deteriorated even further. “My daughter was very ill and I was wondering…what to do,” says Priscilla, 20. “I was afraid my child was going to die…she was experiencing shortness of breath, constant coughs, and failure to breastfeed.”

-an article from World Vision ]]]

i forget how powerful stories can be. i've been reminded of the poor at times, but i haven't truly put myself in their shoes much lately. it's a whole new level when i imagine their situation as if it were my own, as if that baby was my own. she's my sister. how do i not acknowledge that? i often get through my day indulging in my own comfort. it's terrible. i think i'm drunk. need to rehab.

42 tis a beautiful morning even with the drizzling

um. i should hav of written this yestermaday. dis vil be da most stranngest of words used. i did not want to make dis entry proper. anyways, i quit spades. the yahoo one at least. whether i keep my promise or not, who knows. but as of now. please.

16 love shall always remain

humbleness.

i am reminded of how often i neglect the poor. i talk of vision, of changes, of revolution perhaps. but i neglect washing dishes. i forget those who are abducted, who are sold, who are abused and violated, who are freezing, who are hungry and hopeless with stomaches that torment their sleep, who are dying of thirst with no saliva to scream- my brothers and my sisters.

i live my life here in America. selfish as can be. drugged in my own comfort. not remembering them in my prayers. not taking action whether it be advocating change or donating or sacrificing by the careful spending of money. this is what i call a tragedy. a failure as a human being maybe. this is why i need the Lord.

then again, it's always about change. about character transformation. not about dwelling on the past.

46 divide by ten times a billion equals the estimated age of the earth by many scientists

there are tons i'd love to write about but this would suffice for today.

people in America believe in God; people in Africa depend on God.

i would like to disagree with the first part of the quote but it matters not. the idea is that we should depend on God every day of our lives. people in Africa depend on God for survival- for warmth, food, water, protection from diseases/disasters, security and safety. we, in America, often don't have the "need" to depend on God. perhaps that's why we're so stagnant. we don't have as much of a desire to pursue God. there simply is "no need." ...or is there?

i've been praying a lot more recently. sometimes, i still drift in my thoughts and get carried away because focusing on prayer can be hard. nonetheless, i committed to spending a good portion of my morning devoted solely to prayer. i seek God because i need Him. i need Him to build me up as a leader, to be present in my school and my classmates, to open up opportunities daily and for boldness to share the Good News, to rest assured that He is protecting and caring for those whom i love (whether they went far away or are close-by home), to know that He is comforting those whom i love when they are hurt or abandoned or hopeless. i understand my own words of comfort or explanations are cheap compared to the power of the Holy Spirit. i need Him because i realize more and more areas in my life that are sinful, areas in my life where I am selfish and unloving. i see the hurt of those whom i love and my own. i see the inadequacies of my actions. i see the grandness and beauty of the King. this is why i pray. this i why i depend on God.

24 clap for the purpose that is greater than us

even half of perfection requires full cooperation. make no excuses whatsoever. no even one, nor half. just do. or don't do.

87 easy win for the black spades

to suffer one abominable day may be regarded as a misfortune; to suffer twice in a row looks like carelessness. there's got to be some alterations. this is not the type with pretty rainbows and written words. i suppose it is purely believing and action taking. then again, it can simply be looking, which i guess really is believing.

12 the month of insanity

the things i learned from walking in the cold:
1. there needs to be purpose
2. environment plays a much larger role

there's purpose in every story. every good story. what makes a story great is not only about the gravity of conflict but the density of purpose. why does the character want what he wants? the greater the purpose, the greater the story.

external conflict is exciting. it drives the story. without it, there will be no risks. there will be no story. internal conflict is huge. it's deep. it's important. it's unseen to others. characters struggle with themselves. however, an even more invisible wall is the environment. the setting of the character. it limits the characters motions and messes with his mind. it provide subtle blessings the character takes for granted and invites resistance to ruin his purpose. never underestimate. it's not just character transformation but the restoration of the environment.